You Would Think

You would think, that after a certain amount of time, the ghosts would quiet themselves.  My heart yearns.  Sometimes I wonder if I am gifted with singleness.  Other days the thought of being in another relationship is just too heavy a burden to bare.  The truth of the matter, is that I still have eyes for only one man.

It is invigorating and peculiar.  I didn't choose this, yet it happens this way anyways.  Not that its really such a horrible thing.  I've developed a fondness for movies like, "The English Patient" and "Brokeback Mountain."  Some would call that, "cultured."  XD

I find myself at an impasse.  Wishing and desiring so badly to let go of the burden of carrying a flame for another who does not reciprocate, yet alleviation never comes.  I have, done nothing short of, screamed, yelled, prayed, screamed at the sky, screamed at God, sobbed, begged, lived in the moment, thrown myself into a job I hated, thrown myself into my passions, made friends, let people into my heart, fallen for other men who were better suited for me, written my feelings in the form of lyrics, and poems and short stories, played video games, quit World of Warcraft, tried playing ti and living in the moment where I don't envision the past....  Yet, the pain persists stubbornly.  

I find myself with heavy shoulders and a heavy heart, walking around life.  I think the best option at this point, is to admit to myself I am still in love, and that's ok, and that I do not need to get over it.  Perhaps, I am not meant to.  My life is not devoid.  It is not missing a magic key element.  I'm happier than I have ever been.  Perhaps, that is enough.  

I can hear his voice through the thin veil of time.  "Creepy, that's what that is.." it whispers at me.   He always was a man of practicality.  Never saw the use in romance, or spontaneity.  He was a literal one.  Born and raised in captivity, he has never tasted freedom on his lips.  Freedom of judgement, freedom of fear of what would happen to his family if he branched his wings out and took flight for a moment.  He is a caged bird that knows no different.  He once told me, he would be happy for the rest of his life, never going anywhere and doing anything, that he would prefer it to a life without family.  Family was more important to him than bothering to conjure wild and fantastic dreams that would take the dreamer too far beyond the gates of his safe haven.