Faith

I had someone tell me  "You know, for a young believer, you are a very powerful influence.  I think that's wonderful."  I had someone else tell me that I intimidated them with how right on I am, and someone I've known from high school tell me that they love my heart and it encourages them!  Its so encouraging to hear those things.  Perhaps, God's will, really will be for me to make a difference and in some way, change the world.

I sit...

And begin to ponder everything that has happened to me thus far.  Would I ever go back?  Could I ever go back?  I know that I wouldn't, so I don't much care if I could.

I dont find myself feeling reminscent as much as of late.  I'll catch myself walking into a theater, and missing a male hand with mine, then catching myself, and remembering, back then, I wouldn't have dared walked into a movie theatre on my own, even with a friend if they weren't a male companion.  

I catch myself walking into bars on my own, not to drink, just to sing and partake in the karaoke, and speak the gospel when I meet someone who would be receptive of it.  I don't remember the last time before coming to the Lord that I felt THIS comfortable in my own skin.  Sometimes I wonder if I ever did.  I realize that while friends are nice, and the Lord has recently put many new, amazing faces in my life, that even if they weren't there, I would be ok.  

I find myself struggling, going back and forth between a confident woman who knows who she is, and the shy, scared girl that always needed a man's hand to do something as simple as escort her into a theatre.  Part of me, is content, and happy to learn who she is, and find what she really wants.  Part of me, cries out for the lover lost long ago, that told me I was beautiful and their everything.  Everyday, is a new challenge.  Yesterday, I thanked the Lord, for even though it was a day of feeling low,  and a day of humility, that days like that, were what God uses to bring me closer to Him, and so I am grateful for even my bad days.

It's interesting to hear stories of how I was even just a few short months ago, and not be able to even recognize that person anymore.  It's the weirdest feeling in the world to know that there are 3 guys in this world, that think I am bat shit insane, and that, insanity is just part of who I am.  I remember when I was trying to show my most recent ex who I really was, time and time again I would fail to pull back the layers of pain.  I tried, but it was always a temporary at best fix.  

Now, I realize what I was trying to do, was not something I was ever meant to do.  Not something I could do.  It had to come from God.  I remember walking into my baptism, I knew, that God was going to take my ex/best friend from my life, and even knowing this, I was in so much pain, I willingly walked forth, and was like "I have nothing else to lose and my life is going nowhere.  I need a change!"  I wasn't sure what would happen, I so desperately wanted to believe the same way Lisa did, I wanted Him to change my life.  

After I became a christian, the first thing I did was hurt.  I hurt so ridiculously when God took my ex, and as a result, I let the pain do the talking for me.  I made decisions that I look back and go, wow..really?  I had texted my ex just to say "Hey."  His gf responded, with a rather snarky text.  Instead of blowing it off, or being the better person, I let my anger talk for me.  I was seething.  In that moment, all I could see was how little respect this guy had for someone he had once called a friend.  It hurt.  Really badly.  I didn't bother to quell my anger, instead replying something to the tune of, "Oh, you have a great night too.  Oh, and btw, tell him thanks for the great sex."  >.<  REALLY???  Who says that???

This girl had literally done NOTHING to me, yet I displayed anger towards her.  The truth of the matter was, I didn't bother to stop, walk away, and analyze the root of my anger.  It had absolutely nothing to do with her, and very little to do with him.  I was hurt, because someone who had once said they would always love me, and coaxed me into leaving my ex and to "choose the one who loved me" was now saying those things to someone else.  That wasn't her issue.  She was simply the recipient of the words I longed for, the affection that I craved.  

Instead of coming to the healthy realization of the root of my anger, I chose the unhealthy route of blaming myself and looking at myself as not being good enough, or worthy of his affection.  The moments when I would build myself up into an angry frenzy, I convinced myself he was a dog..that he had used me. Neither of these was the case.  

First off, I was beautiful and curvy, but couldn't see it.  I saw only flaws in my reflection.  Slowly, without me even realizing, God was changing my heart, and as it got soft, and as the barrier was broken, I could see myself.  Not as my ex "might" see me, and not as other people see me.  I saw me.  I saw that while I'm not perfect, I am beautiful, and I feel blessed for the body the Lord gave me.  It came equipped with not 1, but 2 talents, and it also came with a really large, forgiving heart.  

Second off, he didn't use me, since we both screwed up.  I acted clingy, and held onto him so tightly, afraid to even let him go out with the guys for an evening of beer and chatting, or out with his old friends for a night of movies and poker, or even with his family, because I had the ridiculous irrational fear that I was not good enough, and people didn't like me and would convince him of their view point.  I never gave him credit for all the times he stood up for me, or how after we broke up because we were going down a dangerous route that we might not have been able to come back from, that he stuck by me.  That he continued to stand up for me against his family, and friends...even when every moment we spent together, only served to bring him further down, only served to further push him away, and bring him closer to the brink of losing it.  He had his own issues, and yes he was hard to be around, which served to push me closer to losing it...and me being that much closer to losing it, made him worse.  It was a vicious never-ending cycle of pain.  As much as we cared for each other, walking away was the only way either of us could ever heal, yet neither of us was willing to say it.  

I don't think I have ever cared for anyone as much as I cared for him, so walking away was difficult.  I find myself praying for God to change the desire of my heart, that if we aren't meant to be, that's ok, just please grant me peace, and change the desire of my heart to fit His plan.

As I continue to grow in the Lord, I realize that this life, isn't about just me and my desires.  I look around me and realize the people the Lord is bringing into my life, I look in my own home and realize I am likely going to have to be the one to show my mom the love of Christ, by witnessing the gospel to her, and by loving on her and showing her the change within myself.  It helps me really to put things in perspective.  I look at it like, if my ex was in my life still, and we managed to work through everything, what then?  He made it clear that Texas was his home, and while there was a time in my life I would have gladly followed him blindly anywhere, that time has come and gone.  God has me here, in California, and He led me to a job here, so I get the feeling He wants me to be here for a while.  I don't know where my life will lead, but I do know that I can no longer live for just myself.  I proclaimed to the skies I wanted to change the world, I wanted to have my faith pushed as far as it could go..with that comes great responsibility.  I can't turn my back on my calling.  I don't even know if I will live the life of a normal person..when I desire nothing a normal life offers.  Perhaps, I wasn't born wrong.  Perhaps, my lack of desire fora child of my own, will desrve to help me focus further on the Lord, and His will for my life.  I don't want to spend my life just living for myself.  I want to spend my life, changing the world, and saving the eternal souls of those around me.  There are times I wonder if this means I will stay single, or if the Lord will bring me a husband.  I also wonder if I have already met them, if perhaps it will be one of my exes with a changed heart, and a newfound faith years down the road.  However, I keep having to remind myself that this isn't for me to worry about.  my focus needs to be elsewhere.  My path is not my own, my desires of the flesh must be hushed and quelled.

I pray for strength, and compassion, I pray to grow more in the Lord.  I am grateful for my high days and my low days, the high days which are gifts not to be taken for granted and days of growing in the Lord and in my faith, and the low days, are my teachers, they humble me and brings me closer to the Lord.

It has been 15 days since my last post.  I have alot to talk about.

A couple days ago I caught myself in the fetal position crying like a baby at the idea that I truly have no one that I'm close to.  I have made myself out to be the person that knows everyone a little bit, and they all know me completely, but I lack that person you can turn to regardless of what time it is, regardless of what it's about.  I found myself so down about this.  I kept thinking to myself, "Everytime I get a best friend, I lose them.  Why even try?"  I finally picked myself back up, when I realized, God has placed people in my life with the potential to become that person in time.  But first I have to quit crying, stand up tall, and embrace the way my life is and realize that through everything God will sustain me.

I long for that embrace from a lover, though I have learned so much about marriage, enough in fact, to tell you I am not ready, and in fact, rejoice in being single.  Single is a gift ladies and gentlemen.

Even last night, I found out the reason that I'm so pro choice, (versus pro life), isn't because I believe in abortion, so much as I believe in a woman's right to choose.  You think about woman that have been raped, and what is rape really?  It is having your body defiled,having your rights stripped away, and having someone use you, after you've asked them not to, to stop.  Rape is taking away the women's right to say no.  And as I have been through this myself, I think about how awful on top of that it would be to take away a woman's voice again, with HER body.  Someone argued "you'll have blood on your hands voting pro choice"  my arguement is this.  Isn't it better that she CHOOSES with a willing heart, to have the child?  Doesn't she deserve that voice?  Yes people abuse the system.  But that doesn't mean that you should strip a woman of her voice, because in so doing, in forcing your views down her throat, you aren't giving her the chance to make that what she wants, but what she WILL do.  I don't think that's right.  (Please understand, I'm not pro abortion, I'm not pro killing babies, and I'm not for people going to get one as often as they get a botox injection...ladies, its called, abstinence, contraseptives, and the 72 hr pill.. choose one please.)  What I AM is pro choice, that moment, in which a choice is made, being in the hands of the woman.  (Sorry, I'm very opinionated on this matter, and I realize that it DOES stem from experiencing rape.)  Btw, I am NOT less of a christian for voicing my opinion.  I don't care what anyone says.  I don't see the world the way everyone wants me to.  I never will.  I am NOT your typical christian.  I have a heart for people in sticky situations, in a way that some people try but can't as they haven't experienced it for themselves.

Ok, new topic...shall we?

Marriage.  I view marriage so much differently now.  The idea of marriage terrifies me.  As a christian woman, I am called to submit myself to my husband.  To allow him to lead me.  I am so afraid of being with someone who before we get married say "Oh you aren't sure about kids?  That's ok."  And then once we're married, looks at me and goes, "I'm the head of the household, and I changed my mind."  Perhaps this is why I am truly enjoying single hood.  I realize, that even though God has healed me to the point of not breaking down (over what my exes did to me...I still break down occasionally when things overwhelm me on other matters) that, I am in many ways..affected by my experiences.  I am TERRIFIED of commitment, I don't like the idea of being a mother, I don't want to settle down and buy a home.  When I explained this to someone, their response was, "Well, you can still be a writer and a stay at home mom I would think."  Uh, I don't think you heard me.  >.<  That christian bubble of were called to procreate, which means if you aren't doing that you are less of a christian.  But how can you say that and judge me, when you don't even know me?  I walk with the Lord.  I have faith.  If God told me to jump off a bridge, I would do it...even with the unknown of what was waiting for me.  In a marriage, I would need a strong man that loved me.  He could look at me and not see someone who is damaged from other experiences, but see someone who has a differing opinion and walks with God.  I wish to go all the way with my faith.  I want someone strong in faith that can lead me closer to God.  Someone who understands, I am not a perfect person, I screw up, I have faults, and sometimes I fall flat on my face from the bad decisions I make.  I hope to never act holier than thou (and if i do please call me out) because I'm not.  I screw up.  ALOT.


On another note.  I started writing my new book.  Not like the times before where I say it but don't do it and feel unmotivated.  This particular book is geared towards non believers and believers alike.  I started writing in March and will hopefully be done in a few months.  Going to try to be published this year or next.  >^_^<  Wish me luck!  Hehe.  =)

A Choice

I have made a choice with what I want to do with my life.  Though I have no idea God will use my gifts that he has given me to complete this...I want to change the world.  Not by my own accord, but God, working through me...using the heart he gave me to love on people.  I want to change the world, not with fists or war, but with love and faith.

A friend told me, you become as strong in your faith, however quickly you're willing to go.  I want to go ALL the way.  I want to be pushed as far as my body and soul and mind are capable of.  I want to devote my being to God, to his Will, and to his mission.

I always was devoted in my relationships, but I realize, that devotion, belonged to no man, but to my Lord and savior.  To my father.  I want to spend my life on his mission.