It has been 15 days since my last post.  I have alot to talk about.

A couple days ago I caught myself in the fetal position crying like a baby at the idea that I truly have no one that I'm close to.  I have made myself out to be the person that knows everyone a little bit, and they all know me completely, but I lack that person you can turn to regardless of what time it is, regardless of what it's about.  I found myself so down about this.  I kept thinking to myself, "Everytime I get a best friend, I lose them.  Why even try?"  I finally picked myself back up, when I realized, God has placed people in my life with the potential to become that person in time.  But first I have to quit crying, stand up tall, and embrace the way my life is and realize that through everything God will sustain me.

I long for that embrace from a lover, though I have learned so much about marriage, enough in fact, to tell you I am not ready, and in fact, rejoice in being single.  Single is a gift ladies and gentlemen.

Even last night, I found out the reason that I'm so pro choice, (versus pro life), isn't because I believe in abortion, so much as I believe in a woman's right to choose.  You think about woman that have been raped, and what is rape really?  It is having your body defiled,having your rights stripped away, and having someone use you, after you've asked them not to, to stop.  Rape is taking away the women's right to say no.  And as I have been through this myself, I think about how awful on top of that it would be to take away a woman's voice again, with HER body.  Someone argued "you'll have blood on your hands voting pro choice"  my arguement is this.  Isn't it better that she CHOOSES with a willing heart, to have the child?  Doesn't she deserve that voice?  Yes people abuse the system.  But that doesn't mean that you should strip a woman of her voice, because in so doing, in forcing your views down her throat, you aren't giving her the chance to make that what she wants, but what she WILL do.  I don't think that's right.  (Please understand, I'm not pro abortion, I'm not pro killing babies, and I'm not for people going to get one as often as they get a botox injection...ladies, its called, abstinence, contraseptives, and the 72 hr pill.. choose one please.)  What I AM is pro choice, that moment, in which a choice is made, being in the hands of the woman.  (Sorry, I'm very opinionated on this matter, and I realize that it DOES stem from experiencing rape.)  Btw, I am NOT less of a christian for voicing my opinion.  I don't care what anyone says.  I don't see the world the way everyone wants me to.  I never will.  I am NOT your typical christian.  I have a heart for people in sticky situations, in a way that some people try but can't as they haven't experienced it for themselves.

Ok, new topic...shall we?

Marriage.  I view marriage so much differently now.  The idea of marriage terrifies me.  As a christian woman, I am called to submit myself to my husband.  To allow him to lead me.  I am so afraid of being with someone who before we get married say "Oh you aren't sure about kids?  That's ok."  And then once we're married, looks at me and goes, "I'm the head of the household, and I changed my mind."  Perhaps this is why I am truly enjoying single hood.  I realize, that even though God has healed me to the point of not breaking down (over what my exes did to me...I still break down occasionally when things overwhelm me on other matters) that, I am in many ways..affected by my experiences.  I am TERRIFIED of commitment, I don't like the idea of being a mother, I don't want to settle down and buy a home.  When I explained this to someone, their response was, "Well, you can still be a writer and a stay at home mom I would think."  Uh, I don't think you heard me.  >.<  That christian bubble of were called to procreate, which means if you aren't doing that you are less of a christian.  But how can you say that and judge me, when you don't even know me?  I walk with the Lord.  I have faith.  If God told me to jump off a bridge, I would do it...even with the unknown of what was waiting for me.  In a marriage, I would need a strong man that loved me.  He could look at me and not see someone who is damaged from other experiences, but see someone who has a differing opinion and walks with God.  I wish to go all the way with my faith.  I want someone strong in faith that can lead me closer to God.  Someone who understands, I am not a perfect person, I screw up, I have faults, and sometimes I fall flat on my face from the bad decisions I make.  I hope to never act holier than thou (and if i do please call me out) because I'm not.  I screw up.  ALOT.


On another note.  I started writing my new book.  Not like the times before where I say it but don't do it and feel unmotivated.  This particular book is geared towards non believers and believers alike.  I started writing in March and will hopefully be done in a few months.  Going to try to be published this year or next.  >^_^<  Wish me luck!  Hehe.  =)