You Would Think

You would think, that after a certain amount of time, the ghosts would quiet themselves.  My heart yearns.  Sometimes I wonder if I am gifted with singleness.  Other days the thought of being in another relationship is just too heavy a burden to bare.  The truth of the matter, is that I still have eyes for only one man.

It is invigorating and peculiar.  I didn't choose this, yet it happens this way anyways.  Not that its really such a horrible thing.  I've developed a fondness for movies like, "The English Patient" and "Brokeback Mountain."  Some would call that, "cultured."  XD

I find myself at an impasse.  Wishing and desiring so badly to let go of the burden of carrying a flame for another who does not reciprocate, yet alleviation never comes.  I have, done nothing short of, screamed, yelled, prayed, screamed at the sky, screamed at God, sobbed, begged, lived in the moment, thrown myself into a job I hated, thrown myself into my passions, made friends, let people into my heart, fallen for other men who were better suited for me, written my feelings in the form of lyrics, and poems and short stories, played video games, quit World of Warcraft, tried playing ti and living in the moment where I don't envision the past....  Yet, the pain persists stubbornly.  

I find myself with heavy shoulders and a heavy heart, walking around life.  I think the best option at this point, is to admit to myself I am still in love, and that's ok, and that I do not need to get over it.  Perhaps, I am not meant to.  My life is not devoid.  It is not missing a magic key element.  I'm happier than I have ever been.  Perhaps, that is enough.  

I can hear his voice through the thin veil of time.  "Creepy, that's what that is.." it whispers at me.   He always was a man of practicality.  Never saw the use in romance, or spontaneity.  He was a literal one.  Born and raised in captivity, he has never tasted freedom on his lips.  Freedom of judgement, freedom of fear of what would happen to his family if he branched his wings out and took flight for a moment.  He is a caged bird that knows no different.  He once told me, he would be happy for the rest of his life, never going anywhere and doing anything, that he would prefer it to a life without family.  Family was more important to him than bothering to conjure wild and fantastic dreams that would take the dreamer too far beyond the gates of his safe haven.  

Josh's Birthday

Tonight I hung out with a fantastic group of people.  After me and the alcohol ended up becoming a little too friendly in our acquaintanceship, I ended up breaking down, to the dismay of my inner walls that ended up being unintentionally obliterated to smithereens.

I sat crying and sobbing as a torrent of words I could no longer hide came to the surface.  Suddenly my dear friend I had not spoken to in a while, started hugging me.  There was this peace that emanated from his body, as if God himself was hugging me through him.

new

New perspective on life.  Admittedly letting go of what I wanted was hard.  REALLY hard.  I realized I had to make a choice.  Hold on to what I wanted, and hold it close to my chest and ache in pain while focusing on myself, or get on my knees and pray for the strength to let go, and love others selflessly.  For those who don't know, my guy friend who I was very close with, started dating a mutual friend.  It was hard.  It hurt and ached and it felt like my world was falling apart.   I went off my diet, and wallowed in sin.

 I realized that was dumb after about a week and instead turned to the church.  I walked right in and asked one of the worship pastors if I could intern with her.  Music is my passion.  I want to do it in a selfless way.  Can I admit not focusing on me is sooooo difficult?  Serving definitely makes it easier.  :D  It gives me an outlet to give back.  A way for me to love on others and spend time in fellowship just doing whatever needs to be done.  I love it.  It makes my whole week better.  So does serving at the food pantry.  You honestly get so much back when you serve.  Its incredible.  Its kind of addicting.  

I got a promotion this week!  Yay!  I joked with a friend that I can now pursue the bohemian-esque lifestyle after 3:30 m-f, Saturday, and after 1 on Sunday.  XD  It was funny to me.   I feel really relieved.  Such a blessing.  

I have been more in the word as of lately.  and more in prayer.  :D  it really makes your day brighter.

Mortality

My faith was wavering..God shook me.  I was questioning the reality of everything.  God gave me a dream that really shook me awake.

Dream:

I was floating...but I do that alot in dreams.  This time i was floating over a pool.  And I could control it.

Then I was called into an office...there was a man dressed in a white suit.  He said he was God's right hand man.  I asked, "so you're Michael?"  he replied with, "No, I'm God's personal assistant."  (this is how you know its a dream...haha.)

He somehow shook me, through the dream, out of my disbelief, and also let me know I was going to die.

I then was in a hotel room...and the  glass window was from the ceiling to the floor, and from one wall to the other.  There were people running towards the window, and there was a storm outside, the sky was dark...I ran out of the hotel room...away form the people trying to break the window... and into a spiral dr. suess esque staircase, it was cream colored... there were two ways it seemed..to run down the stiars..or take the stiarcase that became a slide..i took the slide.. and it became a stiarcase..but i was able to continue sliding down...someone shouted to me that it wouldve been quicker if i had run instead of sliding.

We then all gathered outside, standing in the storm...there were alot of people...and we somehow knew we were going to die.  I closed my eyes and my body became warm and had this warm prickling sensation.  When I opened my eyes, everyone around me was gone, save for a single guy hiding behind a piece of wall.  As I turned back to look at him, dark skies around us and wind slightly blowing, he yelled back, "We're in the eye of the storm."

What I Want

I decided something.  Ok.  So I rushed into my last relationship too fast, and we both screwed up and got hurt.  In the end I lost my very best friend.  But you know what?  I will not allow fear of what happened before deter me from what I want from life.  I want nothing less than to marry my best friend.  I no longer hold the world's perception of love.  Romance is nice, but it isn't everything.  A man who stops your heart is nice.  A man who KNOWS your heart, is better.  This is what I want from love.  I will not allow the failure of my past to dictate my present and future.  I was young and human and I screwed up.  We both did.



written 9.19.11

Weak or Strong?

Is it weak to love someone with every fiber of your being from afar, knowing they chose someone else?  Is it pathetic to love them so much you hold them in high regard, and they end up being the drive behind your intent on living a full life, and you find yourself hoping they are happy?

Perhaps I was naive to think My ex was the one.  But I love him.  My heart races, my eyes dance.  This love is not one that is reciprocated, nor one that is meant to be talked of or shared with him, but in my heart.. I think I will always love him.

I have never been so happy.  You would think loving someone who has chosen another would lead to a sad life.  Quite the contrary.  I have a good job, and amazing people in my life.  I never even knew life could be like this.

My whole life, I idolized the idea of Jack Dawson.  Not because he was the person Rose spent the rest of her life with.  But because she would always love him, always hold a place for him in her heart, not because she was weak, or unable to move on, but because his presence in her life, saved her from the walls that had come crashing down on her.  Much in this regard, is how my ex saved me.

written SEVERAL months ago and just now posted (i never posted it for some reason..)