new

New perspective on life.  Admittedly letting go of what I wanted was hard.  REALLY hard.  I realized I had to make a choice.  Hold on to what I wanted, and hold it close to my chest and ache in pain while focusing on myself, or get on my knees and pray for the strength to let go, and love others selflessly.  For those who don't know, my guy friend who I was very close with, started dating a mutual friend.  It was hard.  It hurt and ached and it felt like my world was falling apart.   I went off my diet, and wallowed in sin.

 I realized that was dumb after about a week and instead turned to the church.  I walked right in and asked one of the worship pastors if I could intern with her.  Music is my passion.  I want to do it in a selfless way.  Can I admit not focusing on me is sooooo difficult?  Serving definitely makes it easier.  :D  It gives me an outlet to give back.  A way for me to love on others and spend time in fellowship just doing whatever needs to be done.  I love it.  It makes my whole week better.  So does serving at the food pantry.  You honestly get so much back when you serve.  Its incredible.  Its kind of addicting.  

I got a promotion this week!  Yay!  I joked with a friend that I can now pursue the bohemian-esque lifestyle after 3:30 m-f, Saturday, and after 1 on Sunday.  XD  It was funny to me.   I feel really relieved.  Such a blessing.  

I have been more in the word as of lately.  and more in prayer.  :D  it really makes your day brighter.

Mortality

My faith was wavering..God shook me.  I was questioning the reality of everything.  God gave me a dream that really shook me awake.

Dream:

I was floating...but I do that alot in dreams.  This time i was floating over a pool.  And I could control it.

Then I was called into an office...there was a man dressed in a white suit.  He said he was God's right hand man.  I asked, "so you're Michael?"  he replied with, "No, I'm God's personal assistant."  (this is how you know its a dream...haha.)

He somehow shook me, through the dream, out of my disbelief, and also let me know I was going to die.

I then was in a hotel room...and the  glass window was from the ceiling to the floor, and from one wall to the other.  There were people running towards the window, and there was a storm outside, the sky was dark...I ran out of the hotel room...away form the people trying to break the window... and into a spiral dr. suess esque staircase, it was cream colored... there were two ways it seemed..to run down the stiars..or take the stiarcase that became a slide..i took the slide.. and it became a stiarcase..but i was able to continue sliding down...someone shouted to me that it wouldve been quicker if i had run instead of sliding.

We then all gathered outside, standing in the storm...there were alot of people...and we somehow knew we were going to die.  I closed my eyes and my body became warm and had this warm prickling sensation.  When I opened my eyes, everyone around me was gone, save for a single guy hiding behind a piece of wall.  As I turned back to look at him, dark skies around us and wind slightly blowing, he yelled back, "We're in the eye of the storm."

What I Want

I decided something.  Ok.  So I rushed into my last relationship too fast, and we both screwed up and got hurt.  In the end I lost my very best friend.  But you know what?  I will not allow fear of what happened before deter me from what I want from life.  I want nothing less than to marry my best friend.  I no longer hold the world's perception of love.  Romance is nice, but it isn't everything.  A man who stops your heart is nice.  A man who KNOWS your heart, is better.  This is what I want from love.  I will not allow the failure of my past to dictate my present and future.  I was young and human and I screwed up.  We both did.



written 9.19.11

Weak or Strong?

Is it weak to love someone with every fiber of your being from afar, knowing they chose someone else?  Is it pathetic to love them so much you hold them in high regard, and they end up being the drive behind your intent on living a full life, and you find yourself hoping they are happy?

Perhaps I was naive to think My ex was the one.  But I love him.  My heart races, my eyes dance.  This love is not one that is reciprocated, nor one that is meant to be talked of or shared with him, but in my heart.. I think I will always love him.

I have never been so happy.  You would think loving someone who has chosen another would lead to a sad life.  Quite the contrary.  I have a good job, and amazing people in my life.  I never even knew life could be like this.

My whole life, I idolized the idea of Jack Dawson.  Not because he was the person Rose spent the rest of her life with.  But because she would always love him, always hold a place for him in her heart, not because she was weak, or unable to move on, but because his presence in her life, saved her from the walls that had come crashing down on her.  Much in this regard, is how my ex saved me.

written SEVERAL months ago and just now posted (i never posted it for some reason..)

The Blessings in Life

I had a hard week this week.  A dear friend and my closest guy friend started dating.  Instead of being happy for them, I found myself in so much pain.  I took some time to myself.  Admittedly, I stopped eating healthy,as I stopped caring.  It was in this time of allowing my heart to heal as I cared for him so much, that I realized for the first time in my life, I was desperate for God.  I was on my knees.  I was crying out.

I'm done moping, so instead I am going to write down the blessings that happened this week.

This week, I got my hair done.  For the first time in over two years I allowed someone to change it up and cut several inches off in places to make layers.

I made an appointment to have strips of color put in my hair.  (were talking blue...as long as my boss says blue is ok.)

My coworker (the really awesome one that got me the job) sat down and wrote out on a page (front and back) step by step instructions on how to do my hair like hers (since naturally our hair is very similar)  Can I admit I almost cried?  I thought it was so sweet.  That someone would take that kind of time and effort to do something like that, was so sweet.  I felt super loved.

A random 1k dollar payment came through on a day I couldn't manage to get any payments in.

I went and talked with the worship pastor at my church about interning for them.  We sat down and talked, and I told her my passion for music, but that I have no direction and don't know what to do, or how to do it, and that I would really like to help out in any way possible, and just learn from them.  Learn how to do music in a godly, selfless way.  Learn everything there is to know about it.  From worship to record label, all of it.  I start tuesday after work.  I'm so stoked!!!!  It will be like going back to school, assuming school was able to teach you how to do worship in a godly way, and show you the ropes of it all.  I am really excited because I felt God put this on my heart, and I really feel this is the next step in my journey.




written two weeks ago and never posted.

Lately

I have not been very good about posting lately.  I almost desire to create a new blog as I have such a new perspective on things.  Hmm.  Or keep it the same and watch my growth.  Decisions.