A Decision

I had always wanted to be the writer that DIDN"T write about sex.  Sex scenes are an easy way to communicate the romance and desire between two people.  I have always wanted to challenge myself, not use other methods, not so much because I was against sex scenes, but because it makes you really push yourself creatively to express that same intimacy in other more subtle ways.  

So now, as a new believer of Christianity, I've made the decision to make my main character a man (vampire) that desires to wait until marriage, because as he states, "Because I want you to know, that when we do that, I am yours, and yours alone. No other girl will ever be with me. Also you are worth waiting for darling. I want you to know that." I find such beauty in that. 

My whole life, I thought that sex=love.  I remember always being the one that initiated it, thinking, that's what love was.  i had it set in my mind, if a guy had sex with you, he loved you.  My first ex, used to force me to have sex with him, using everything from mental abuse to guilt trips.  My second ex, practically raped me the second time he came out to California, not listening when I asked if we could wait, and to please STOP.  (No complaints on the third ex.)  I had an unhealthy relationship with sex, as I viewed it as something that was required, and not something that wasn't.  

I can't undo the past. What I can do, is hold to my morals.  My flesh may desire sex, ALOT.  I personally, want to wait.  The feeling of being with someone, and then having them leave you, is incomparably horrible.  I don't blame anyone for that.  I'm not suggesting that once I've had sex with someone they should stay with me forever either.  What I am simply saying, is that I should guard my heart better.  I always played myself off as someone who wanted sex so badly, when all I really wanted was the deep emotional connection I had incorrectly assumed sex would bring.  

The simple solution?  No more sex until marriage.  It started out as something I said out of anger at my ex.  It became something I wanted to do for God but didn't particularly want to do.  It has become, something beautiful, that I long for myself to have.  I am worth waiting for.  I don't need to have sex with a guy to prove that to him or anyone else.  Screw what society says.  Screw what my hormones say.  Me, I'm taking a stand. No sex until marriage!

 I want a man willing to wait.  I want a man that looks at me and says "You're worth waiting for."  If I start to deter from this path led by my hormones, I want a man to act like Frederick does, letting me know that once we are married, he would gladly do that every night, but that for now, he wishes to wait, to give that to me.  I'm worth that damnit.  Frederick isn't just a random godly man.  I find he has become the fictional depiction of what I desire in my own future husband.  >^_^<