wow

So many changes.  I'm not sure where to start.  I found God.  Through all the pain, he saved me...when i was my weakest, through my father, I was my strongest.  While I lost what I thought was most important, I gained so much more in return.  I gained a connection with God, and a bunch of new friends who help me.   (As well as some amazing old friends)  I have decided 2011 is going to be a year of self love.  I am going to learn to love myself.  I found a song that really describes this.  I was hurting so bad when it came on the radio..I feel like God was talking to me through this song.

Pink- Fuckin' Perfect  ( To my christian brothers and sisters, youtube offers a radio edited version...which is actually the one I heard.)

I am going to learn to forgive myself the way I would forgive a lover.  To learn to accept my flaws and just love me.  Because before I can love someone else, first I need to love me.  (To my WoW fans) I am currently "unfriendly" with my own faction.  And i wish to be exalted, so time to grind some rep.  ^_^

the end of the year

2010 was a year of healing and life lessons for me.  I think one of the biggest lessons I learned, is that when something wonderful comes along, you don't push it away.  You embrace it, and give it everything you have.  I have always been afraid that if I go all in, I'll only end up hurt, but you know what?  I've learned it hurts more to realize you lost a chance at something amazing because of said fear.  the thing that gets me through it though, is knowing, that if something is meant to be, its meant to be.  Imperfect circumstance would surely only be a set back for something that is meant to be, and therefore, if things work out, then great it was meant to be.  And should they not, that's ok.  Letting go of something you love, is hard.  Letting go of something (or someone) that loved you back, is near impossible.  But I shall face the year anew with unbridled strength and resilience, and not fear the passing of time, as time is the healer of all wounds.

A random love quote I wrote once..

I wrote this once, and I think it still rings true.

"Love drives us, consumes us, devours all conscious rational thought replacing in its stead pleasure and pain; for love is passionate pleasure, and also torturous pain.  Whether we admit it or not the pain is inevitable, but its what lets us know we are alive and reminds us that we are human.  Love is beautiful because of this."

Rain

Its funny.  No matter how long rain is gone for, i always know it will come back eventually.  Its funny how much rain reminds me of that special someone.  Its quiet at times, beautiful, capable of being strong and gentle all in one, soothing like the sound of his voice, and however fleeting it may be, I always enjoy it, as I do my time with him.

Eyes

This is the reason that I am and have always been an eye person.  Think about it, skin sags and wrinkles, and can get spots and discolor, hair turns gray and can even fall out, teeth fall out and are replaced by fake teeth (unless you're extremely lucky) we may gain or lose weight, but in some form, we likely won't keep our younger figures, but eyes... they're ageless.  for the most part, when you look into someone's eyes, they're the same eyes you looked into when you first met them, when you first fell in love with them, years ago.

If you love something, let it go....

I think that life and love and my experiences with both have taught me something very important.  The act of putting someone else's needs above my own.  See, I've come to find, that if you truly love someone, then why would you fight with them against what they want, just because it doesn't extend to accommodate what you want as well?


Sometimes in life, we don't win.  When we were young, we learned this through sports.  The coach would tell us good game and tell us to congratulate the other team.  Then we'd indulge on orange slices and juice boxes after a hard played game.  Well, love, like sports and the rest of life, has its ups and downs.  A comforting movie would be the orange slice, and wishing the person you couldn't make it work with well in their future endeavors with love and relationships and the likes would be the coach's voice yelling at us to be good sports.


The truth is, in my heart of course I want things to go my way, and of course I go to bed dreaming of the day I get called in the middle of the night, because the object of my affection has just had the greatest epiphany about how I’m the one.  But, I don't focus on this.  I don't allow these thoughts to plague my mind and consume me.  Because in the end, even if he doesn’t choose to be with me, I only wish him happiness, as he is my very best friend.


I’ve come to realize, there are things beyond the horizon of what I want, and maybe I’ve done a little growing up in that regard, but to me it seems that to only focus on what I want, and not someone else’s needs as well is juvenile.  And come to think of it, at the end of the day, if I successfully ended up getting someone to take me back because I cried and asked them not to go, I’d end up always wondering if they would’ve chosen me because they wanted to, or because they couldn’t bear to see me cry.


As the saying goes, if you love something let it go, if it comes back it’s yours.

A Wierd Realization..

Ok so as I sat pondering while in a slightly inebriated state, a thought occurred to me.  I HATE perfection.  Perfect is so boring and so cliche.  Then I thought about things a little further.  Here is my idea of the perfection guy.  He's sweet, funny, passionate, devoting, doting, there for me, has beautiful eyes, looks aren't important, and this person accepts me for who I am, and loves me unconditionally, he also likely falls in love with me at first sight.

Then I thought about this.. the guy who currently holds my heart, is some of these things, but quite frankly, is not this guy.  And you know something?  I love him so much more because of it.  I always thought it was actual perfection and not my idea of it that turned me off.  But then I realized, perfection is perfection.  He isn't my perfect guy, and I am all the more fascinated by him because of this.  He's different then what I dreamt, and there fore different from what I have ever known.

And within this difference, lies beauty.  He's holds my attention...because he isn't what I spent my whole life dreaming of, he doesn't say the perfect things, he lacks a certain amount of passion, and, this intrigues me, it leaves me wanting more.  Even my own version of what is perfect, has come to bore me.

Random realizations and rants of the drunken mind that has stayed up til the sun begins to shine...