A Testimony

I felt the need to post this.  I felt myself getting sick, so I prayed.  I heard a voice tell me to drink 6 bottles of water.  I did.  Admittedly with a bit of reluctance, but the way I looked at it, either it wasn't God, and I spent the night going pee alot, or it was, and I avoided being sick for a few weeks.  With distrust in my heart, I began this impossible mission, falling asleep for an hour or two, waking up and finishing.

Well ladies and gents.  I'm not sick.  O.O  So I guess it WAS God that told me to drink all that water.  CRAZY!

Strength

One of the biggest struggles I think that I have had, is surrendering my heart, not letting it harden.  Something that I have always done to protect myself, is to put up a barrier, to keep people at bay, and then when they try to get close to me, and I feel like I could potentially be hurt, I push them away, by hurting them..breaking my own heart inside, and coming across as a monster, all because I've been so afraid to embrace the idea that I might be worth someone genuinely wanting to stick around for.

My friend Michael and I were talking the other night, and he told me, that it is easy to hate, hatred is primal.  Its harder to love.  Especially after someone has wronged you.  He told me, love is strength.  Under all the layers of hurt and beneath my barrier, is someone who loves, unconditionally, though I try so hard not to let it show, and I'm not entirely sure why.  I want to give that love away, I want it to show.  I am trying my hardest to make myself vulnerable, to show everyone and maybe even myself who I am.

My greatest weakness is my greatest strength.  My heart.  

Inspirational Song

I wanted to share this song with all of you.  Its a song that..even if you're down or struggling, makes you feel alright, because its a reminder, God loves when we come to Him when we're weak and broken.

Struggles

Lately I have been struggling.  Last week I got hit with a bad cold and to keep everyone from getting sick I stayed home.  (Yay for not getting anyone else sick, sadly I found myself not surrounded by other believers..to go an entire week without that is difficult I think (at least as a new believer.)  Today I hungout with a friend who helped me get back on track.  She read some of the word to me.  She showed me a few passages that were centered towards the idea that we are indeed chosen.

Sometimes I feel like things just so perfectly happen for a reason.  I usually get together with another friend once a week, but this particular week wasn't good for them..and randomly I get a call to come workout last minute, after which we went and read and discussed some passages (including Romans 10.)

I feel like, even when I try to hide God pulls me towards him (sometimes forcefully.)  I was on facebook this morning (which is why she decided to call me...)  God took my (verging on unhealthy addiction shall we say?)  and used it to bring me closer to Him.

Its crazy to me how even when I think I'm alone, God shows me I'm not.  I constantly struggle in my faith, and I always joke with people how God is going to have a difficult time changing my heart, bringing my confidence back up without allowing me to dance on the verge of pride, (due to the fact that I have a bad tendency to become very prideful when left unchecked.)

I find myself still struggling to understand things that I wasn't meant to understand.  Like, will certain people that have come and gone from my life be saved?  This is not for me to worry about, yet I find myself constantly wondering, and even getting sad about it.  I have a really hard time with accepting, that some are chosen some are not, because, even though like it said in the bible verses we read today, about us being made from clay essentially and God can discard any clay he doesn't like, you can't help but not want the clay to be discarded.  Especially if you knew the clay.  I find myself struggling in my faith, because I wonder if I have what it takes to obediently watch eternal souls be discarded.  Not just souls I know either (though the ones I know are the hardest struggle for me.)

I feel, like while I can't change people's hearts, and maybe I don't really understand what being a christian is all about, maybe, I can show them compassion, and change in my own heart.  Perhaps, by showing others the compassion and understanding, and loving them as unjudgingly as possible I can help bring them closer to God... since the only reason I am where I am, is because of God.

My Anthem

Hey to all the guys in this world, and to all my readers too, this is my (new) anthem.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUnYIQjCnNA

Irony

Isn't it ironic I spent my whole life searching for unconditional love, and the entire time, I had it, but couldn't see it?  Even when I didn't reach to God, in my darkest hour, he was there, watching me.  I have always prided myself on being strong and able to do it on my own.  The truth is, I think God made me that way.  Strong enough that I would survive.  I am a survivor because of God's unconditional love.  One of the gifts he gave to me, I honestly believe, was my strength.

 For those that don't know.  My darkest hour..was either when I was dating my first ex, when he would mentally break me... or 2009 in the fall/winter.  In the fall/winter of 2009,  I was dating someone that only served to bring me down further, while healing from all the mental damage my first ex caused.  I was in agony.  I couldn't catch a break.  I didn't sleep, and when I did I had nightmares so vivid and awful I opted to not sleep when possible.  My body ached from lack of sleep, I was hysterical and hurting.  I had depression, and all the while through everything, I loved my second ex the best way I could.  I know I wasn't the perfect gf, (who would be in that situation?) but I tried.

Posting that wasn't easy to type, but like I said, I want to make myself vulnerable.  I want to be completely out in the open.

Perfect Song

This song is simply amazing!  Amy Grant- Overnight.   I feel like this is my song for where I am in my faith.