Struggles

Lately I have been struggling.  Last week I got hit with a bad cold and to keep everyone from getting sick I stayed home.  (Yay for not getting anyone else sick, sadly I found myself not surrounded by other believers..to go an entire week without that is difficult I think (at least as a new believer.)  Today I hungout with a friend who helped me get back on track.  She read some of the word to me.  She showed me a few passages that were centered towards the idea that we are indeed chosen.

Sometimes I feel like things just so perfectly happen for a reason.  I usually get together with another friend once a week, but this particular week wasn't good for them..and randomly I get a call to come workout last minute, after which we went and read and discussed some passages (including Romans 10.)

I feel like, even when I try to hide God pulls me towards him (sometimes forcefully.)  I was on facebook this morning (which is why she decided to call me...)  God took my (verging on unhealthy addiction shall we say?)  and used it to bring me closer to Him.

Its crazy to me how even when I think I'm alone, God shows me I'm not.  I constantly struggle in my faith, and I always joke with people how God is going to have a difficult time changing my heart, bringing my confidence back up without allowing me to dance on the verge of pride, (due to the fact that I have a bad tendency to become very prideful when left unchecked.)

I find myself still struggling to understand things that I wasn't meant to understand.  Like, will certain people that have come and gone from my life be saved?  This is not for me to worry about, yet I find myself constantly wondering, and even getting sad about it.  I have a really hard time with accepting, that some are chosen some are not, because, even though like it said in the bible verses we read today, about us being made from clay essentially and God can discard any clay he doesn't like, you can't help but not want the clay to be discarded.  Especially if you knew the clay.  I find myself struggling in my faith, because I wonder if I have what it takes to obediently watch eternal souls be discarded.  Not just souls I know either (though the ones I know are the hardest struggle for me.)

I feel, like while I can't change people's hearts, and maybe I don't really understand what being a christian is all about, maybe, I can show them compassion, and change in my own heart.  Perhaps, by showing others the compassion and understanding, and loving them as unjudgingly as possible I can help bring them closer to God... since the only reason I am where I am, is because of God.