There was a huge spiritual battle tonight in my room. My body feels bruised and sore...almost like fibromyalgia, which makes me wonder if I ever really had fibromyalgia. A friend tipped me off...worship music...is good.
My life is not my own. I will not live for the things of this earth. I will live by my Father's Will! I will fight back when called to, with love and faith.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Hello Sunshine!
Today was a day of edifciation for me. I went to bible study, and it was just me and Tiana and Cathie. There was definitely some spiritual interference and no matter how much I tried to hear what they were preaching, something wasn't allowing me to. Finally i told them what was on my heart, and they agreed I should just come clean to my parents about not having a job. Then I prayed that God help me find a new job.
God called me two places today. He called me to an unopened restaurant, (which didn't have any applications but told me to come back Friday at 10:30 to get all set up. (YAY) He also called me to the Reagan library. At first I looked around waiting for the person he wanted me to meet, thinking I was finally going to meet the person who would disciple me. Not so. God just wanted me to take a minute to enjoy this beautiful day, on a shady bench, in His word. I did so, and it made me feel good. The wind was blowing heavy, but I knew, even in my skirt, that God will protect me from all things, including my skirt flying up.
God is so good. Every day is a gift. A gift from our father to us. The warmth of the sun, the cool breeze, the ability to have fellowship with my christian brothers and sisters. I am so truly blessed.
When I got home, I told my mom I hadn't had a job in a while. She and my dad received this really well, and I knew God talked through them, and made it so that it was ok to shed light where darkness had reigned.
God called me two places today. He called me to an unopened restaurant, (which didn't have any applications but told me to come back Friday at 10:30 to get all set up. (YAY) He also called me to the Reagan library. At first I looked around waiting for the person he wanted me to meet, thinking I was finally going to meet the person who would disciple me. Not so. God just wanted me to take a minute to enjoy this beautiful day, on a shady bench, in His word. I did so, and it made me feel good. The wind was blowing heavy, but I knew, even in my skirt, that God will protect me from all things, including my skirt flying up.
God is so good. Every day is a gift. A gift from our father to us. The warmth of the sun, the cool breeze, the ability to have fellowship with my christian brothers and sisters. I am so truly blessed.
When I got home, I told my mom I hadn't had a job in a while. She and my dad received this really well, and I knew God talked through them, and made it so that it was ok to shed light where darkness had reigned.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Did That Just Happen?
The night before last I went to sleep at about 3 a.m. The funny thing about 3 a.m., its usually dark outside. I asked God if I would ever be able to see the angel Michael, as I had asked for God to send him to protect me earlier that night, (and realized I should've asked after using the facilities, as it was I was like God, I know you're omnipresent, can you have Michael avert his eyes?") I noticed there was a golden light outside my window, and it flooded through the blinds, and there was a shadowy silhouette. I feel like if I had wanted to, I could've seen Michael, I was a little too nervous (not scared) to look. When I woke an hour later, it was still there.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Last Night
My mom fell down a flight of 10 stairs. It was really scary. I heard a voice keep saying hospital, in the fashion God normally does. I panicked and tried to get her to go.
She didn't want to and I freaked out, but said God, you got this. (continuing to be sad and wonder what would happen >.<)
She was fine. She might have muscle damage..but nothing broke. No head injuries. God was trying to wake her up. A fall that bad, and she's ok...this defies physics.. I gently planted the idea of "Maybe someone was looking out for you."
I see how satan can use people with closed hearts though, because my dad came in with the laundry and tried to undo my seed, saying no its possible yada yada. >.< You have to not be angry, just patient.
I waited til he left (go downstairs you..) then i told her what I'm going through. She believed me. She believes I saw an angel's shadow. She believes I can sense demons.
If she really believes me, then deep down, I think she knows there really might be a God.
She didn't want to and I freaked out, but said God, you got this. (continuing to be sad and wonder what would happen >.<)
She was fine. She might have muscle damage..but nothing broke. No head injuries. God was trying to wake her up. A fall that bad, and she's ok...this defies physics.. I gently planted the idea of "Maybe someone was looking out for you."
I see how satan can use people with closed hearts though, because my dad came in with the laundry and tried to undo my seed, saying no its possible yada yada. >.< You have to not be angry, just patient.
I waited til he left (go downstairs you..) then i told her what I'm going through. She believed me. She believes I saw an angel's shadow. She believes I can sense demons.
If she really believes me, then deep down, I think she knows there really might be a God.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Yesterday
Strange things are beginning to happen to me.
I felt like God wanted me to drive over to this one place and park. So I did. I parked, and fell asleep. He woke me up with a bee. I jumped out of my car and I saw the shadow of what I think was an angel. After a little bit, I felt like God wanted me to read the bible so I got back in the car, I looked up at the sky and was like, "Ok, but the bee is gone right? Dad, the bee? It's gone right?" LOL I hate bees.
Last night I was awakened, by a voice. And I heard a child's voice in the darkness. I don't know if it was a good or evil voice. I was trying to figure that out. O.O
I think it's becoming very evident discernment is also a spiritual gift of mine.
I felt like God wanted me to drive over to this one place and park. So I did. I parked, and fell asleep. He woke me up with a bee. I jumped out of my car and I saw the shadow of what I think was an angel. After a little bit, I felt like God wanted me to read the bible so I got back in the car, I looked up at the sky and was like, "Ok, but the bee is gone right? Dad, the bee? It's gone right?" LOL I hate bees.
Last night I was awakened, by a voice. And I heard a child's voice in the darkness. I don't know if it was a good or evil voice. I was trying to figure that out. O.O
I think it's becoming very evident discernment is also a spiritual gift of mine.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Ok..
I'm writing this here, so one day, I can tell my family, and my husband.
I know who I'm going to marry. I don't want to say the name in case they read this because I honestly don't think they have any clue yet. Instead I'll say this.
About a month ago, I was really down, and I asked God to show me who I was gonna be with, because I was so sad over losing my ex. I was like "Please God please, just show me who he is. You don't have to give him to me yet. Just show me who he is. Just so I know I'm not alone."
Well, immediately after this, like either that night or the next (I forget if I asked Thursday or Friday right before Collide), I met him on a Friday night. I knew it was him when I met him. I stared up at the sky going, God was that him?? Was it??? He wasn't in town very often and had come by just to say hey to his old friends. I saw him this one time, we didn't even talk very much.
A month passes. I finally feel like I've healed (though not completely) from my ex. I hear in my head "He will become your husband." and I ask "Who?" and am answered "Scott." I excitedly thought this was God. Uh, no. Let it be known early on in my walk to faith, on my path, my own mind tried to fool me. God set me straight. I was sitting with two girls I think I will become very good friends with, both very beautiful women of faith, and telling them about what I heard and unsure of what it was, and then I was like "Nvm, I got my answer, I think it was God and if it wasn't well I guess I'll find out." (I was so convinced I was going to marry my ex at this point and that God ordained this.)
Just then, the same guy, from a month ago that I met after asking God the first time, walks into the restaurant we're conversing in just to come say "hey" with a mutual friend of all of ours. O.O
I asked a friend the next night who is stronger in faith and can hear God in a way I cannot yet to ask God about it, since he could hear the answer I couldn't. My friend responded, "He says you know what it meant." O.O
The world and the way I see it is changing. I see the world in such a different way, and I have learned a lot about who I am to become, let it be known, I found out some of my gifts.
I am a clairvoyant. O.O I had my first real vision, apparently before I even came to faith. I was with my ex. I don't know if I had one before that, though occasionally I get a sense of deja vu. It's really weird. O.O
(Speaking of that vision, Scott, I get this feeling you should spend this weekend with your grandpa. I'm not going to text you or email, cause I'm not entirely sure if I'm right, I don't want to ruin your weekend for no reason. I trust if I'm right, God will give you the desire to read this.)
*Edit this weird feeling was for me not you Scott. My mom ended up falling down the staircase.
Of the spiritual gifts, I think gifting is going to be one of my gifts, I have this huge desire if I come to money (which writers usually do) to give away more than I keep. I think Mercy is my other spiritual gift. I think faith will become one of my gifts as well. (Faith IS one of the 19 spiritual gifts of the holy ghost btw...)
I think I am going to take this all in stride. I have found out, that once I learn to get my head out of this world, I will become stronger in faith, and once my faith is strong enough, I will be able to listen with my spirit (not my ears) for God. Once I can do this, I will be told all of who I am and shown things. Right then. By following the words in my bible, and following my heart, I think perhaps, even someone like me, could change the world!
I know who I'm going to marry. I don't want to say the name in case they read this because I honestly don't think they have any clue yet. Instead I'll say this.
About a month ago, I was really down, and I asked God to show me who I was gonna be with, because I was so sad over losing my ex. I was like "Please God please, just show me who he is. You don't have to give him to me yet. Just show me who he is. Just so I know I'm not alone."
Well, immediately after this, like either that night or the next (I forget if I asked Thursday or Friday right before Collide), I met him on a Friday night. I knew it was him when I met him. I stared up at the sky going, God was that him?? Was it??? He wasn't in town very often and had come by just to say hey to his old friends. I saw him this one time, we didn't even talk very much.
A month passes. I finally feel like I've healed (though not completely) from my ex. I hear in my head "He will become your husband." and I ask "Who?" and am answered "Scott." I excitedly thought this was God. Uh, no. Let it be known early on in my walk to faith, on my path, my own mind tried to fool me. God set me straight. I was sitting with two girls I think I will become very good friends with, both very beautiful women of faith, and telling them about what I heard and unsure of what it was, and then I was like "Nvm, I got my answer, I think it was God and if it wasn't well I guess I'll find out." (I was so convinced I was going to marry my ex at this point and that God ordained this.)
Just then, the same guy, from a month ago that I met after asking God the first time, walks into the restaurant we're conversing in just to come say "hey" with a mutual friend of all of ours. O.O
I asked a friend the next night who is stronger in faith and can hear God in a way I cannot yet to ask God about it, since he could hear the answer I couldn't. My friend responded, "He says you know what it meant." O.O
The world and the way I see it is changing. I see the world in such a different way, and I have learned a lot about who I am to become, let it be known, I found out some of my gifts.
I am a clairvoyant. O.O I had my first real vision, apparently before I even came to faith. I was with my ex. I don't know if I had one before that, though occasionally I get a sense of deja vu. It's really weird. O.O
(Speaking of that vision, Scott, I get this feeling you should spend this weekend with your grandpa. I'm not going to text you or email, cause I'm not entirely sure if I'm right, I don't want to ruin your weekend for no reason. I trust if I'm right, God will give you the desire to read this.)
*Edit this weird feeling was for me not you Scott. My mom ended up falling down the staircase.
Of the spiritual gifts, I think gifting is going to be one of my gifts, I have this huge desire if I come to money (which writers usually do) to give away more than I keep. I think Mercy is my other spiritual gift. I think faith will become one of my gifts as well. (Faith IS one of the 19 spiritual gifts of the holy ghost btw...)
I think I am going to take this all in stride. I have found out, that once I learn to get my head out of this world, I will become stronger in faith, and once my faith is strong enough, I will be able to listen with my spirit (not my ears) for God. Once I can do this, I will be told all of who I am and shown things. Right then. By following the words in my bible, and following my heart, I think perhaps, even someone like me, could change the world!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
A Message to All
Hey guys. I wanted to share with you all something. Learn to listen for God not with your ears, but your spirit. (I myself have no idea what this means, but a friend told me to be more in the word...so I actually want to read the bible now.) Also, learn to humble yourselves before him, kneel when you pray. These are the things I need to work on, and that God wanted me to do, so I thought I would share with all my readers. ^_^
Sunday, March 13, 2011
A Testimony
I felt the need to post this. I felt myself getting sick, so I prayed. I heard a voice tell me to drink 6 bottles of water. I did. Admittedly with a bit of reluctance, but the way I looked at it, either it wasn't God, and I spent the night going pee alot, or it was, and I avoided being sick for a few weeks. With distrust in my heart, I began this impossible mission, falling asleep for an hour or two, waking up and finishing.
Well ladies and gents. I'm not sick. O.O So I guess it WAS God that told me to drink all that water. CRAZY!
Well ladies and gents. I'm not sick. O.O So I guess it WAS God that told me to drink all that water. CRAZY!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Strength
One of the biggest struggles I think that I have had, is surrendering my heart, not letting it harden. Something that I have always done to protect myself, is to put up a barrier, to keep people at bay, and then when they try to get close to me, and I feel like I could potentially be hurt, I push them away, by hurting them..breaking my own heart inside, and coming across as a monster, all because I've been so afraid to embrace the idea that I might be worth someone genuinely wanting to stick around for.
My friend Michael and I were talking the other night, and he told me, that it is easy to hate, hatred is primal. Its harder to love. Especially after someone has wronged you. He told me, love is strength. Under all the layers of hurt and beneath my barrier, is someone who loves, unconditionally, though I try so hard not to let it show, and I'm not entirely sure why. I want to give that love away, I want it to show. I am trying my hardest to make myself vulnerable, to show everyone and maybe even myself who I am.
My greatest weakness is my greatest strength. My heart.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Inspirational Song
I wanted to share this song with all of you. Its a song that..even if you're down or struggling, makes you feel alright, because its a reminder, God loves when we come to Him when we're weak and broken.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Struggles
Lately I have been struggling. Last week I got hit with a bad cold and to keep everyone from getting sick I stayed home. (Yay for not getting anyone else sick, sadly I found myself not surrounded by other believers..to go an entire week without that is difficult I think (at least as a new believer.) Today I hungout with a friend who helped me get back on track. She read some of the word to me. She showed me a few passages that were centered towards the idea that we are indeed chosen.
Sometimes I feel like things just so perfectly happen for a reason. I usually get together with another friend once a week, but this particular week wasn't good for them..and randomly I get a call to come workout last minute, after which we went and read and discussed some passages (including Romans 10.)
I feel like, even when I try to hide God pulls me towards him (sometimes forcefully.) I was on facebook this morning (which is why she decided to call me...) God took my (verging on unhealthy addiction shall we say?) and used it to bring me closer to Him.
Its crazy to me how even when I think I'm alone, God shows me I'm not. I constantly struggle in my faith, and I always joke with people how God is going to have a difficult time changing my heart, bringing my confidence back up without allowing me to dance on the verge of pride, (due to the fact that I have a bad tendency to become very prideful when left unchecked.)
I find myself still struggling to understand things that I wasn't meant to understand. Like, will certain people that have come and gone from my life be saved? This is not for me to worry about, yet I find myself constantly wondering, and even getting sad about it. I have a really hard time with accepting, that some are chosen some are not, because, even though like it said in the bible verses we read today, about us being made from clay essentially and God can discard any clay he doesn't like, you can't help but not want the clay to be discarded. Especially if you knew the clay. I find myself struggling in my faith, because I wonder if I have what it takes to obediently watch eternal souls be discarded. Not just souls I know either (though the ones I know are the hardest struggle for me.)
I feel, like while I can't change people's hearts, and maybe I don't really understand what being a christian is all about, maybe, I can show them compassion, and change in my own heart. Perhaps, by showing others the compassion and understanding, and loving them as unjudgingly as possible I can help bring them closer to God... since the only reason I am where I am, is because of God.
Sometimes I feel like things just so perfectly happen for a reason. I usually get together with another friend once a week, but this particular week wasn't good for them..and randomly I get a call to come workout last minute, after which we went and read and discussed some passages (including Romans 10.)
I feel like, even when I try to hide God pulls me towards him (sometimes forcefully.) I was on facebook this morning (which is why she decided to call me...) God took my (verging on unhealthy addiction shall we say?) and used it to bring me closer to Him.
Its crazy to me how even when I think I'm alone, God shows me I'm not. I constantly struggle in my faith, and I always joke with people how God is going to have a difficult time changing my heart, bringing my confidence back up without allowing me to dance on the verge of pride, (due to the fact that I have a bad tendency to become very prideful when left unchecked.)
I find myself still struggling to understand things that I wasn't meant to understand. Like, will certain people that have come and gone from my life be saved? This is not for me to worry about, yet I find myself constantly wondering, and even getting sad about it. I have a really hard time with accepting, that some are chosen some are not, because, even though like it said in the bible verses we read today, about us being made from clay essentially and God can discard any clay he doesn't like, you can't help but not want the clay to be discarded. Especially if you knew the clay. I find myself struggling in my faith, because I wonder if I have what it takes to obediently watch eternal souls be discarded. Not just souls I know either (though the ones I know are the hardest struggle for me.)
I feel, like while I can't change people's hearts, and maybe I don't really understand what being a christian is all about, maybe, I can show them compassion, and change in my own heart. Perhaps, by showing others the compassion and understanding, and loving them as unjudgingly as possible I can help bring them closer to God... since the only reason I am where I am, is because of God.
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