Today

Today I went to the hotel I stayed at with Ricky.  A wave of familiarity washed over me.  As I am physically unable to go to Texas, it is my... way of transporting to the once magical place where my ex and I shared two weeks of fun.

My inner voice spoke to me here.  It showed me that familiar isn't always good.  It showed me..as dead as my second ex and I are, that is how dead my last ex and I are.  I can accept that, and quit using it as an excuse to put life on hold...or I can stay miserable.

I stood and forgave myself.  Its hard.  Its hard to forgive yourself for dumb choices.

Its hard and yet, its in the past.

Today is a new day.  A beautiful day.  With a promising future.  Today...I am falling.  Hard.  I'm scared of slipping and falling off the edge, of past mistakes..and yet... I don't think I will this time.

He's everything they weren't but tried to be.  5 years my junior, yet wise beyond his years, and with a gentle and soft spoken soul.  I'm falling in love with my best friend.  I think I will let it happen.  I will trust God to guide me, and save me from my own stupidity, and trust him not to be like the others, since, he deserves that.  Should the day ever come...where he asks me out... I will say yes.  I will allow him to take my hand into his..and guide me..and love me.  I will love him back.

The One

*edit  actually...this is when i thought it was brian...no i didnt know.  oy vey...dose of humility to leave this up here and show u guys where my heart was at..  *facepalm*

Dear Future Husband,

    

 I know who you are.  Please don't take that to be a creepy thing.  God has shown you to me.  Honestly I don't know much about you.  We have friends in common, but these days I have asked them to make sure not to even speak of you in my presence.  I want to learn everything about you, from you.  Not Facebook, or friends, but from you, in His timing.  I wonder if you know its me yet.  I saw you and the moment I saw you, I knew.  The first time we ever met, my ex and i had just broken up, and I got on my knees and prayed and begged for God to show me that I'm not meant to be alone.  "Lord, I know I'm not ready to be with anyone, but just show me I'm not meant to be alone, please."  I sobbed and said this.  He answered and showed me you.

Again He showed me you, when I got it stuck in my head that God had said I would marry my ex.  

And again when I thought a dear friend was the one.

I don't know what the future brings, but after getting this amazing job, in a completely God-had-to-have-done-it way, I no longer am afraid.  Its you.  I know its you.  I will wait for you.

I had a guy hit on me the other night.  I had left my work party early and gone to my favorite bar for Sunday night karaoke and a few beers and familiar faces.  it was refreshing.  I ran into the old friend from h.s. that got me this amazing job I now have.  Later my friend was too drunk to drive, (he tried to bs me with he's done it before and I looked at him and went.. "I don't care if you've done it before...it doesn't mean you repeat that performance."  So we took him to Denny's to sober up.  It was me, Chris (said drunk friend) Patrick, and a new guy that none of us had met before.  We start talking child trafficking and politics, it gets late so I excuse myself and go to my car.  (at about 4 am..haha.)  The new guy (Tyler) walks me to my car and I hear this voice (satan) say "You know, you could have sex if you wanted to."  I didn't want to.  I thought of you.  I thought of how much it would hurt my husband.  The guy then asked if I wanted to continue our conversation back at my place.  I looked him in the eyes and told him "Look I'ma be real with you.  I don't believe in sex before marriage."  He looked at me funny and told me that he just wanted to continue the conversation, which I told him I would be happy to do via text or facebook.  When I got home, he started telling me how into me he was.  It was sweet at first, annoying after.  It didn't really affect me at all.  I told him, I knew who God had for me, and I would only ever date that person.  He asked, "How do you know that I'm not that person?"  When you know you know.  What can I say.

Turns out, the guy from that night, has a gf, and is possibly married.  He was a creeper.  And a test.  And satan trying to attack my faith in what God has shown me.  I love you darling.  I learned recently, something I almost did, and chose not to out of fatigue and disobedience to God, would have had us run into each other.  God is unchanging, and when the time is right.  It'll happen.  :D

(Can I go ahead and admit it would totally be awesome if we somehow saw each other for V-Day this year?  (perhaps by way of you getting the idea to ask me out from some random place in your head...or online persay..) Just throwing that out there, teehee. ( If you are meant to see that...you will.)

I Told Him I Love Him

I called my best guy friend today.  We had an amazing two hour conversation that ended up derailing me from actually cleaning my room.  I almost told him how I felt..but I held off.  Instead I left a voicemail professing my feelings.

Later that night, I call him back.  I ask if he had listened to his voicemail.  He was like, "no, do you have something you want me to erase on there?"

I had the chance to completely erase taht I had ever said it.  Instead, I told him, right there, how I felt.  That I was in love with him.  We talked for a long time.  I told him everything.  That I was honest earlier when I had said I wasn't ready to be with someone.  I told him that losing my best friend and ex, although it was hard, was worth it, because of the friendship he and I shared, and that I in no way wanted to screw that up. But that I had to be honest how I feel.  I told him, I was attracted to the fruit in his life, and his gentleness, and the way he was so well receiving through every time I cried about my second ex and I fighting, or my most recent ex and I breaking up, and fighting, and wanting to get back together, and him finally finding someone else and all the emotions I went through with that.

He proceeded to tell me no one had ever told him that, and that he loved me dearly as a friend, and that he wished he could give me more.  That he sadly didn't feel that way about anyone at the moment.  He told me I had nothing to worry about.  That we would stay very good friends, and that from the moment he had heard my voice, he could tell what kind've person I really was and that I was someone he could trust.


I told him how rare he was, and asked if he knew.  Then I joked that perhaps I was rare too.  He replied "Oh you are definitely rare.  I can honestly say I've never met anyone like you."  I was like.. "I hope in a good way."  He was like "Oh definitely.  I have never known a girl to be so honest and not in a brutal way, but in a sincere way."


I have to tell you, I don't know what tomorrow brings.  I know that today, I am in love with my best friend, and he knows.  I also know that he is a sweetheart, and that I am so lucky to have such a great friendship, and if that is all we ever share, I am the luckiest girl alive, because friends like him don't come along very often, if at all.  I also know I feel a serious peacefulness.  I don't feel broken because I didn't get my way.  I want him to be happy.  Whatever that means.  I really love him.  Not in a needy, give-me-what-I-want put-you-in-a-cage-and-call-you-mine-before-either-of-us-is-really-ready-for-that-kind've way, but in a, "I look at you, and I see fruit of the spirit, and everything I want in a man in my very daer friend.  And I want you to be happy more than I want to get what I want.  I love you and when I am talking to you or thinking abotu you, I just feel such peace, all over my entire body, and I smile when I stop and think about how scared I was to tell you because you recieved it so well, and being around you just feels right and if that isnt what you want, i understand.  I will never force myself on you, you know how i feel, and when i look at what you want from a girl and what i want form a boy i smile because everything weve ever wanted is right in front of us, but it isnt for me to tell you but for you to figure out", kindve way.

:)

How I Have Felt Lately...

I apologize for being so terrible about up keeping this blog.  >.<  My mind has been a tumultuous mess as of late.


Here's where I have been....

If you envision world war II for a moment, I basically pissed off the enemy, (advanced in my faith) then jumped out of the safety of the trenches (God's protection), and away from my fellow soldiers (wasn't in fellowship) set down my gun (wasn't in the word), took off my armor (wasn't spiritually armored) and THEN on TOP of that,walked into the enemies territory naked (chose to sin habitually.)  When you look at it from that perspective, its absolutely insane.

 I now recognize that, and havee been in the process of repentance, but I recognize, my heart still isn't right with God, because it still longs for other things MORE than God.

Daddy Will You Write My Love Story?

This song makes me excited.  At first it made me really sad when I thought back on what I lost.  Now I realize, every time before, I tried to write my OWN love story.  This time, I want the creator of the universe, the author of time itself, to write my love story.  I feel like  a lil kid holding a folder with blank pages against their chest, waiting for their turn for God to write them their very own love story.  I have seen what He has done with others, and with friends, I wish to have God write mine too.  *waits on the lord*  Daddy, I know I am impatient.  But I would be so honored, if you would give me the desire to wait on you to write my love story.  Will you daddy?  Please?


Love always,

Stephanie D. Jacobs

Worship

I really wanted to join the worship team at my church to be able to serve using the gift that God gave me.  God said not yet through the worship leader.  First He decided to teach me what worship really was.  I found myself at New Hope on Monday nights wanting to help out at the food pantry and gradually gravitated towards helping worship.  God is teaching me what worship is all about at the moment.  I am in a season of the unknown and a season of being taught.

Good Advice

A friend once gave me some sage advice.  He asked me, "Do you know who controls the relationship?"  I said, "the guy?"  He said, "No Stephanie.  It is the person who cares the least, even if by a little bit."

It is some insightful advice I have taken to heart.  It really brings to light the idea of being evenly yolked with someone.  You don't want to throw your heart away entirely on someone who only goes halfsies with their own heart, what's the point?  Not only will they care less for you then you do them (which trust me from experience, absolutely blows like a kid who has eaten way too much chicken noodle soup (with a soda on the side..sorry had to..) but they will also control the relationship...because you care more.  youll find yourself constantly willing to bend backwards over forwards for them, and notice they in turn do not do the same for you.  Being straight up, I have been on both ends of this situation.  In my first two relationships, I cared too much.  In the last one, I cared too much, but never acted like it or showed it thus making him feel that he cared too much as well.   So then we both sat there feeling unloved and like we kept caring and giving to someone who didnt care or give as much back.


Life is full of tough choices, isnt it? - ursula from the little mermaid.  truth is, it really is.  "the greatest thing youll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return."  - moulin rouge


food for thought.