The Blessings in Life

I had a hard week this week.  A dear friend and my closest guy friend started dating.  Instead of being happy for them, I found myself in so much pain.  I took some time to myself.  Admittedly, I stopped eating healthy,as I stopped caring.  It was in this time of allowing my heart to heal as I cared for him so much, that I realized for the first time in my life, I was desperate for God.  I was on my knees.  I was crying out.

I'm done moping, so instead I am going to write down the blessings that happened this week.

This week, I got my hair done.  For the first time in over two years I allowed someone to change it up and cut several inches off in places to make layers.

I made an appointment to have strips of color put in my hair.  (were talking blue...as long as my boss says blue is ok.)

My coworker (the really awesome one that got me the job) sat down and wrote out on a page (front and back) step by step instructions on how to do my hair like hers (since naturally our hair is very similar)  Can I admit I almost cried?  I thought it was so sweet.  That someone would take that kind of time and effort to do something like that, was so sweet.  I felt super loved.

A random 1k dollar payment came through on a day I couldn't manage to get any payments in.

I went and talked with the worship pastor at my church about interning for them.  We sat down and talked, and I told her my passion for music, but that I have no direction and don't know what to do, or how to do it, and that I would really like to help out in any way possible, and just learn from them.  Learn how to do music in a godly, selfless way.  Learn everything there is to know about it.  From worship to record label, all of it.  I start tuesday after work.  I'm so stoked!!!!  It will be like going back to school, assuming school was able to teach you how to do worship in a godly way, and show you the ropes of it all.  I am really excited because I felt God put this on my heart, and I really feel this is the next step in my journey.




written two weeks ago and never posted.

Lately

I have not been very good about posting lately.  I almost desire to create a new blog as I have such a new perspective on things.  Hmm.  Or keep it the same and watch my growth.  Decisions.

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  Going to church on Mother's Day can be a lonely ordeal, especially when you take into account the idea that the entire service was dedicated to moms and the way they lead their families to church.

I started to become sad, as I didnt have this type of upbringing.  But then, I realized the grace, in my life.  This type of upbringing would've caused me to rebel.  Instead, my mom allowed me to decide what I wanted to do in life, who I wanted to be, and how and (if) I wanted to worship God.
I'm so grateful for her allowing me to make my own decisions in life.   In a weird way, this is what brought me to God, knowing it was my choice.  Earlier in life, i had to go to catholic school for my grandparents, and as a result..I ran away as fast as I could from anything church related.  I think its cool how everything works out exactly the way its supposed to, even if it doesn't happen the way people think it should.


Sometimes it IS difficult knowing my family doesn't share my faith... (aside from my dad...sort of..)
but then I realize...if youpout about what you don't have, you are too busy to appreciate what you do have.  I have a wonderful, supportive family, who let's me make my own decisions in life.  Don't get me wrong, its far from perfect...but aren't all families?

Happy Mother's Day, to an amazing mom who has always been there, and always let me be who I want to be.

lately...

btw. Can I say...its incredible to watch God work...when for two seconds..i shut my mouth..and i listen.

he pt it on my heart to go to cornerstone.  i had no idea why.  but i went.  the pastor greeted me..and we chatted..i asked how things had been.  and this woman i knew..and loved..and her daughter..ame up and talked to him.  and she was hurting.  and i went and fond my friends...and hugged her.  and i as i sat with them...he put it on my haert...to go to her..to sit with her...and i did..and after...we talked...and i prayed for her..and we went out to dinner..her daughter and a friend and i... and we sat...and talked... and she felt better after...and i realize that was the whole reason God called me there...was to be used by him to bless another..and it felt..amazing



btw.  im pretty sure i know whose been reporting me.  and if im right.  and its her.  shes been having relational issues.  so i prayed for her.  right there at my desk.  knowing this was likely the girl who reported me.  it doesnt matter.  i dont mind if most of the world hates me.  they hated christ first.

friday...i watched God do amazing work...saturday too.  those are both too long to type...its a story best left for another time.  haha.  er rather.  stories.

i talked to denise today about helping me build a diet thats right for me.  she said shes totally down to help me.  thats going to be a challenge.  a good challenge.

Today

Today I went to the hotel I stayed at with Ricky.  A wave of familiarity washed over me.  As I am physically unable to go to Texas, it is my... way of transporting to the once magical place where my ex and I shared two weeks of fun.

My inner voice spoke to me here.  It showed me that familiar isn't always good.  It showed me..as dead as my second ex and I are, that is how dead my last ex and I are.  I can accept that, and quit using it as an excuse to put life on hold...or I can stay miserable.

I stood and forgave myself.  Its hard.  Its hard to forgive yourself for dumb choices.

Its hard and yet, its in the past.

Today is a new day.  A beautiful day.  With a promising future.  Today...I am falling.  Hard.  I'm scared of slipping and falling off the edge, of past mistakes..and yet... I don't think I will this time.

He's everything they weren't but tried to be.  5 years my junior, yet wise beyond his years, and with a gentle and soft spoken soul.  I'm falling in love with my best friend.  I think I will let it happen.  I will trust God to guide me, and save me from my own stupidity, and trust him not to be like the others, since, he deserves that.  Should the day ever come...where he asks me out... I will say yes.  I will allow him to take my hand into his..and guide me..and love me.  I will love him back.

The One

*edit  actually...this is when i thought it was brian...no i didnt know.  oy vey...dose of humility to leave this up here and show u guys where my heart was at..  *facepalm*

Dear Future Husband,

    

 I know who you are.  Please don't take that to be a creepy thing.  God has shown you to me.  Honestly I don't know much about you.  We have friends in common, but these days I have asked them to make sure not to even speak of you in my presence.  I want to learn everything about you, from you.  Not Facebook, or friends, but from you, in His timing.  I wonder if you know its me yet.  I saw you and the moment I saw you, I knew.  The first time we ever met, my ex and i had just broken up, and I got on my knees and prayed and begged for God to show me that I'm not meant to be alone.  "Lord, I know I'm not ready to be with anyone, but just show me I'm not meant to be alone, please."  I sobbed and said this.  He answered and showed me you.

Again He showed me you, when I got it stuck in my head that God had said I would marry my ex.  

And again when I thought a dear friend was the one.

I don't know what the future brings, but after getting this amazing job, in a completely God-had-to-have-done-it way, I no longer am afraid.  Its you.  I know its you.  I will wait for you.

I had a guy hit on me the other night.  I had left my work party early and gone to my favorite bar for Sunday night karaoke and a few beers and familiar faces.  it was refreshing.  I ran into the old friend from h.s. that got me this amazing job I now have.  Later my friend was too drunk to drive, (he tried to bs me with he's done it before and I looked at him and went.. "I don't care if you've done it before...it doesn't mean you repeat that performance."  So we took him to Denny's to sober up.  It was me, Chris (said drunk friend) Patrick, and a new guy that none of us had met before.  We start talking child trafficking and politics, it gets late so I excuse myself and go to my car.  (at about 4 am..haha.)  The new guy (Tyler) walks me to my car and I hear this voice (satan) say "You know, you could have sex if you wanted to."  I didn't want to.  I thought of you.  I thought of how much it would hurt my husband.  The guy then asked if I wanted to continue our conversation back at my place.  I looked him in the eyes and told him "Look I'ma be real with you.  I don't believe in sex before marriage."  He looked at me funny and told me that he just wanted to continue the conversation, which I told him I would be happy to do via text or facebook.  When I got home, he started telling me how into me he was.  It was sweet at first, annoying after.  It didn't really affect me at all.  I told him, I knew who God had for me, and I would only ever date that person.  He asked, "How do you know that I'm not that person?"  When you know you know.  What can I say.

Turns out, the guy from that night, has a gf, and is possibly married.  He was a creeper.  And a test.  And satan trying to attack my faith in what God has shown me.  I love you darling.  I learned recently, something I almost did, and chose not to out of fatigue and disobedience to God, would have had us run into each other.  God is unchanging, and when the time is right.  It'll happen.  :D

(Can I go ahead and admit it would totally be awesome if we somehow saw each other for V-Day this year?  (perhaps by way of you getting the idea to ask me out from some random place in your head...or online persay..) Just throwing that out there, teehee. ( If you are meant to see that...you will.)

I Told Him I Love Him

I called my best guy friend today.  We had an amazing two hour conversation that ended up derailing me from actually cleaning my room.  I almost told him how I felt..but I held off.  Instead I left a voicemail professing my feelings.

Later that night, I call him back.  I ask if he had listened to his voicemail.  He was like, "no, do you have something you want me to erase on there?"

I had the chance to completely erase taht I had ever said it.  Instead, I told him, right there, how I felt.  That I was in love with him.  We talked for a long time.  I told him everything.  That I was honest earlier when I had said I wasn't ready to be with someone.  I told him that losing my best friend and ex, although it was hard, was worth it, because of the friendship he and I shared, and that I in no way wanted to screw that up. But that I had to be honest how I feel.  I told him, I was attracted to the fruit in his life, and his gentleness, and the way he was so well receiving through every time I cried about my second ex and I fighting, or my most recent ex and I breaking up, and fighting, and wanting to get back together, and him finally finding someone else and all the emotions I went through with that.

He proceeded to tell me no one had ever told him that, and that he loved me dearly as a friend, and that he wished he could give me more.  That he sadly didn't feel that way about anyone at the moment.  He told me I had nothing to worry about.  That we would stay very good friends, and that from the moment he had heard my voice, he could tell what kind've person I really was and that I was someone he could trust.


I told him how rare he was, and asked if he knew.  Then I joked that perhaps I was rare too.  He replied "Oh you are definitely rare.  I can honestly say I've never met anyone like you."  I was like.. "I hope in a good way."  He was like "Oh definitely.  I have never known a girl to be so honest and not in a brutal way, but in a sincere way."


I have to tell you, I don't know what tomorrow brings.  I know that today, I am in love with my best friend, and he knows.  I also know that he is a sweetheart, and that I am so lucky to have such a great friendship, and if that is all we ever share, I am the luckiest girl alive, because friends like him don't come along very often, if at all.  I also know I feel a serious peacefulness.  I don't feel broken because I didn't get my way.  I want him to be happy.  Whatever that means.  I really love him.  Not in a needy, give-me-what-I-want put-you-in-a-cage-and-call-you-mine-before-either-of-us-is-really-ready-for-that-kind've way, but in a, "I look at you, and I see fruit of the spirit, and everything I want in a man in my very daer friend.  And I want you to be happy more than I want to get what I want.  I love you and when I am talking to you or thinking abotu you, I just feel such peace, all over my entire body, and I smile when I stop and think about how scared I was to tell you because you recieved it so well, and being around you just feels right and if that isnt what you want, i understand.  I will never force myself on you, you know how i feel, and when i look at what you want from a girl and what i want form a boy i smile because everything weve ever wanted is right in front of us, but it isnt for me to tell you but for you to figure out", kindve way.

:)