My Anthem

Hey to all the guys in this world, and to all my readers too, this is my (new) anthem.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUnYIQjCnNA

Irony

Isn't it ironic I spent my whole life searching for unconditional love, and the entire time, I had it, but couldn't see it?  Even when I didn't reach to God, in my darkest hour, he was there, watching me.  I have always prided myself on being strong and able to do it on my own.  The truth is, I think God made me that way.  Strong enough that I would survive.  I am a survivor because of God's unconditional love.  One of the gifts he gave to me, I honestly believe, was my strength.

 For those that don't know.  My darkest hour..was either when I was dating my first ex, when he would mentally break me... or 2009 in the fall/winter.  In the fall/winter of 2009,  I was dating someone that only served to bring me down further, while healing from all the mental damage my first ex caused.  I was in agony.  I couldn't catch a break.  I didn't sleep, and when I did I had nightmares so vivid and awful I opted to not sleep when possible.  My body ached from lack of sleep, I was hysterical and hurting.  I had depression, and all the while through everything, I loved my second ex the best way I could.  I know I wasn't the perfect gf, (who would be in that situation?) but I tried.

Posting that wasn't easy to type, but like I said, I want to make myself vulnerable.  I want to be completely out in the open.

Perfect Song

This song is simply amazing!  Amy Grant- Overnight.   I feel like this is my song for where I am in my faith.

Difficulties

Admittedly even my healed heart wonders what could have been from time to time.  Its crazy.  God is clearing out my life of everything that was holding me back.  I could neither move backward nor forward with my previous bf.  We sat there making each other miserable.  But now he has moved on, as have I.  I think its more the idea of, well NOW I know not to make the mistakes I did, and NOW I can see clearly but why did it have to take the breaking of a relationship for me to see it?

I admittedly have alot of inner conflict..and even though I have peace and I have God...I still have some uncertainty...moments still pop up where I wonder if I will get the chance to show my heart to someone.  Even though I have faith in my father and are a self-proclaimed hopelessly romantic optimist...I still have lingering doubts..planted there from my past and inability to trust in anything completely.

 I will get there, with time.  But for anyone who reads this, I want to be honest about my path.  I struggle.  I have difficulties.  I don't always smile..sometimes I cry.  Losing someone I loved, though its the path God chose, was incredibly painful.  It felt like someone ripped it out of my hands.  It literally felt like my dad came in my room and tore my posters down, and wants to remodel..and at first I was stubborn about letting go of my posters, but in the end I know the room is going to be beautiful.  (The room being my life.)  I want you all to see my vulnerable weak spots..and know that you aren't alone if you feel weak.  I do too.  They talk about in bible study how we should show be completely honest with each other.  Well here I am;  my heart on my sleeves (and my foot in my mouth ALOT of the time..mmm sneaker flavored..)

Learning to Trust

So I have come to the conclusion that God would not have given me the heart that I have if I were to remain single.  He has a plan for my heart.  Though life may have chipped away at my trust, slowly but surely I need to trust in God,  (btw totally a.d.d'tastic off topic moment...ever notice the irony in it saying "in God we trust" on money..since often times, its in the money people trust..not God??)   ..ok so anyways...I need to trust that God has a greater purpose for my heart.  Though it stings...I will look with courage and my own personal brand of hopelessly romantic optimism to the future.  As I take this journey one day at a time, I know with trust, and patience, and knowing that there lies a greater purpose for me, I may come to find what I'm looking for.  (Once I cease looking for it and just live my life that is.)

Awww~

I decided to get out for a second last night.  As I was walking out the door, I told my dad, "I love you dad, back in a few."  He then said something that made me cry.  "We love you too.  We just want what's best for you."  I think I have always taken how good I have it for granted.  I have never gone a day without wondering what I would eat, where I would sleep, any of that.  I have been more than taken care of.  So this entry is a thank you to my parents, for always having my back and being there to catch me no matter how many times I seem to fall.

I remember when I was in high school, the hardest thing I have ever done to date, is when I had to look my mom in the eyes and tell her I was a cutter.  She was relieved for a second that it wasn't drugs, but she saw the radical change in both my mood and behavior, leading to the conclusion I was on something.  In truth I had been suffering from depression, and unable to tell her, unsure of what I was feeling, and afraid of what they would say or how they would take it.  They got me help, and never gave up on me.

I made some bad choices with school, choosing to quit going for a guy.  My parents who had always been so gung-ho about school were accepting and said "School isn't for everyone.  Do what's right for you."  Even when I couldn't see it or understand it, all they wanted for me, was to make the choice in life that would make me happiest in the end, and if it wasn't what they wanted for me (a bachelor's degree and a steady job with good retirement) then they were still ready and willing to support me and back me.

When I looked at my mom and told her, "Mom, I want to write a book."  She didn't look at me like I was crazy or dumb or coming up with a ridiculous idea that was hard to get into.  Instead,  She looked right back at me and went, "Then do it.  Let's see it."  She has always told me I have the talent to do whatever I want.  I'm very lucky in this regard.

My parents have always wanted me to do what's best for me, whatever that is.  I remember telling my mom I fell in love with a guy online that lived in TEXAS and that I was going to fly there to go see him. With a bit of reluctance and hesitation she supported me.  Admittedly she thought it was crazy to fly to a state I had never been in, away from everything I knew to see a boy.  It was.  And you know what?  She trusted my judgement enough to wish me luck and drive me to the airport.  (Feeling ALOT better about it after I called her and told her that I was ok.)

When that said boy broke my heart, my parents were very nice about it.  They understood how much I loved him, and didn't give me a hard time about it just because of it was a 'long-distance relationship'.

So, thank you, to both my mom and dad, for loving me and backing me and giving me a home and a place to belong.  No matter how much I felt like I had no place in this world, because of you, I always have.  Thank you.

An Uplifting Song

A New Day

As I sit here, wanting to completely let go of the past, I realize that I cannot truly embrace the future and the here and now until I am able to do this.  So here, on my blog, in front of everyone, I am going to both admit my flaws, and forgive myself for them.

I tend to get attached very easily.  i.e. I will very quickly feel out if someone is a potential "the one" and say so.  I also tend to be unsatisfied with their inability to know as quickly as I do how they feel.

I tend to be very clingy.  i.e.  I am very bad at just letting someone go off and do their thing, for fear they'll realize they're happier when I am not around, and in the process of doing this, actually will into being my greatest fear.

I tend to be very emotional when I am going through something.  And I tend to bring people down around me, usually the guy I am dating.

I tend to push people away.  I am so scared to get hurt, the idea of someone wanting to love me for who I am without trying to get anything from me is terrifying, mostly because this doesn't seem real.

I tend to not be able to trust people.. mostly because I have been screwed over so badly.  I want to trust people, in my heart I am the most trusting person ever.  But time and life have taught me not to be.

I tend to beat myself up and take full blame when situations go wrong.  I am so used to being looked at as a scapegoat, I don't know how to accept that I am only 50% to blame most of the time, instead beating myself up and crying and hurting over the dumbest things I do wrong.

I am bad with letting go.  I sit there dwelling on what could've been.  I should be looking at the here and now and what could be.  But for some reason I don't.  I want so badly to just be happy.

I tend to act manipulative to make the situation go in my favor, to the point that I would cry and be sad and even in some cases threaten to hurt myself.  This is definitely something that needs to change immediately.  This is one of my biggest problems.

I forgive myself for all of these things.  I am not perfect.  I make mistakes.  If I do not admit who I was, it will continue to stay there and I will continue to be that person, instead of changing and healing.

Now, I think I will leave this on a positive note by noting my good qualities.

I am very strong.  I am a survivor who has been through some stuff, and made some awful decisions in my life.  Yet, here I stand.  Life didn't tear me down.  With God on my side, I am even stronger than I was before.

I am beautiful.  This one was hard to type.  I sit there listening to what people "deem" as beautiful.  For so long, I hid away from the world, afraid to be seen, regardless of what anyone says, I am a beautiful woman.  Perhaps not perfect, but who is?  I am beautiful, inside and out.

I have a heart of gold.  I love with everything inside of me.  Perhaps it can't be seen through the fog when I am at my worst.  But this doesn't change that I do love with everything inside of me. I believe in the ability to overcome tremendous obstacles, mostly because I am a hopeless romantic.

I am ridiculously optimistic.  I refuse to see things as impossible...

I care so much about everyone around me.  I would be there for anyone who needed me, even if we just met.

I am tremendously loyal.  People joke that I would be the perfect military wife, because of my loyalty.  Lol.  It is true though.  Not seeing someone for awhile sucks, it hurts because you want them there, but then you remember, even if you can't hold them, they're there.  There is someone in this world, who loves you.  Sometimes so much they upend their life to make a girl 1500 miles away happy.  This is why I didn't just go find someone else when things were uncertain in my last relationship.

Self Love

Ok, so since I have decided to start loving myself, I figure instead of writing love poems about other people (since there wont be any for awhile) or writing about how my experiences in love, I would write about my own journey to self love.

I think the first step is to look at how God loves.  God looks at us with loving eyes, and he doesn't judge us (until we die.)  He loves everyone the same. Look at how he showed us how to love our enemies, by letting Judas close when he was on earth.  God sacrificed his son, so that we might be saved.  Jesus willingly died, for us.  He laid his life down.

Last night I went to a bible study.  I looked at one of the guys there and I said, "Can we be real for a second?  In love, you lose the fuzzy 'feeling' right?  I always thought love went beyond the initial feelings of lust and attraction that make your heart pound hard."

He very kindly looked back at me and replied, "I'm going to be honest.  Yes, you lose those.  Love is more about commitment to one another and sticking it out.  Marriage is NOT easy."  He then told me that when he first got married, he thought he had married the worst person ever, since everyone portrays love and marriage as happy dappy funland.  Then as he was around more married people he realized, "O, its all of them, its everyone.  Okay, she's not so bad afterall."

I think as media portrays love being this sweet, happy thing that we forget that love is about sticking it out.  Love is when the person is at their worst, you stick by them, and you don't judge them.  But before you can look at someone else un-judging you have to look at yourself this way.

Which leads back to the topic at hand. (Sorry for getting so off topic but I had a point.)  Self-love.  To look at someone who has wronged you with loving eyes is hard.  Looking at someone this way if you have never done this for yourself, nearly impossible.  I think the first step is going to be not judging myself when I make mistakes.  We say, don't judge others, that's God's job.  But what gives us the right to judge ourselves?  The fact is, that isn't our job either.  We judge ourselves for the smallest things.
While it is important not to be prideful or arrogant, we also shouldn't constantly tear ourselves down with unnecessary hatred and anger.  Be angry when necessary, but then let go.

wow

So many changes.  I'm not sure where to start.  I found God.  Through all the pain, he saved me...when i was my weakest, through my father, I was my strongest.  While I lost what I thought was most important, I gained so much more in return.  I gained a connection with God, and a bunch of new friends who help me.   (As well as some amazing old friends)  I have decided 2011 is going to be a year of self love.  I am going to learn to love myself.  I found a song that really describes this.  I was hurting so bad when it came on the radio..I feel like God was talking to me through this song.

Pink- Fuckin' Perfect  ( To my christian brothers and sisters, youtube offers a radio edited version...which is actually the one I heard.)

I am going to learn to forgive myself the way I would forgive a lover.  To learn to accept my flaws and just love me.  Because before I can love someone else, first I need to love me.  (To my WoW fans) I am currently "unfriendly" with my own faction.  And i wish to be exalted, so time to grind some rep.  ^_^