A New Day

As I sit here, wanting to completely let go of the past, I realize that I cannot truly embrace the future and the here and now until I am able to do this.  So here, on my blog, in front of everyone, I am going to both admit my flaws, and forgive myself for them.

I tend to get attached very easily.  i.e. I will very quickly feel out if someone is a potential "the one" and say so.  I also tend to be unsatisfied with their inability to know as quickly as I do how they feel.

I tend to be very clingy.  i.e.  I am very bad at just letting someone go off and do their thing, for fear they'll realize they're happier when I am not around, and in the process of doing this, actually will into being my greatest fear.

I tend to be very emotional when I am going through something.  And I tend to bring people down around me, usually the guy I am dating.

I tend to push people away.  I am so scared to get hurt, the idea of someone wanting to love me for who I am without trying to get anything from me is terrifying, mostly because this doesn't seem real.

I tend to not be able to trust people.. mostly because I have been screwed over so badly.  I want to trust people, in my heart I am the most trusting person ever.  But time and life have taught me not to be.

I tend to beat myself up and take full blame when situations go wrong.  I am so used to being looked at as a scapegoat, I don't know how to accept that I am only 50% to blame most of the time, instead beating myself up and crying and hurting over the dumbest things I do wrong.

I am bad with letting go.  I sit there dwelling on what could've been.  I should be looking at the here and now and what could be.  But for some reason I don't.  I want so badly to just be happy.

I tend to act manipulative to make the situation go in my favor, to the point that I would cry and be sad and even in some cases threaten to hurt myself.  This is definitely something that needs to change immediately.  This is one of my biggest problems.

I forgive myself for all of these things.  I am not perfect.  I make mistakes.  If I do not admit who I was, it will continue to stay there and I will continue to be that person, instead of changing and healing.

Now, I think I will leave this on a positive note by noting my good qualities.

I am very strong.  I am a survivor who has been through some stuff, and made some awful decisions in my life.  Yet, here I stand.  Life didn't tear me down.  With God on my side, I am even stronger than I was before.

I am beautiful.  This one was hard to type.  I sit there listening to what people "deem" as beautiful.  For so long, I hid away from the world, afraid to be seen, regardless of what anyone says, I am a beautiful woman.  Perhaps not perfect, but who is?  I am beautiful, inside and out.

I have a heart of gold.  I love with everything inside of me.  Perhaps it can't be seen through the fog when I am at my worst.  But this doesn't change that I do love with everything inside of me. I believe in the ability to overcome tremendous obstacles, mostly because I am a hopeless romantic.

I am ridiculously optimistic.  I refuse to see things as impossible...

I care so much about everyone around me.  I would be there for anyone who needed me, even if we just met.

I am tremendously loyal.  People joke that I would be the perfect military wife, because of my loyalty.  Lol.  It is true though.  Not seeing someone for awhile sucks, it hurts because you want them there, but then you remember, even if you can't hold them, they're there.  There is someone in this world, who loves you.  Sometimes so much they upend their life to make a girl 1500 miles away happy.  This is why I didn't just go find someone else when things were uncertain in my last relationship.