Josh's Birthday

Tonight I hung out with a fantastic group of people.  After me and the alcohol ended up becoming a little too friendly in our acquaintanceship, I ended up breaking down, to the dismay of my inner walls that ended up being unintentionally obliterated to smithereens.

I sat crying and sobbing as a torrent of words I could no longer hide came to the surface.  Suddenly my dear friend I had not spoken to in a while, started hugging me.  There was this peace that emanated from his body, as if God himself was hugging me through him.

new

New perspective on life.  Admittedly letting go of what I wanted was hard.  REALLY hard.  I realized I had to make a choice.  Hold on to what I wanted, and hold it close to my chest and ache in pain while focusing on myself, or get on my knees and pray for the strength to let go, and love others selflessly.  For those who don't know, my guy friend who I was very close with, started dating a mutual friend.  It was hard.  It hurt and ached and it felt like my world was falling apart.   I went off my diet, and wallowed in sin.

 I realized that was dumb after about a week and instead turned to the church.  I walked right in and asked one of the worship pastors if I could intern with her.  Music is my passion.  I want to do it in a selfless way.  Can I admit not focusing on me is sooooo difficult?  Serving definitely makes it easier.  :D  It gives me an outlet to give back.  A way for me to love on others and spend time in fellowship just doing whatever needs to be done.  I love it.  It makes my whole week better.  So does serving at the food pantry.  You honestly get so much back when you serve.  Its incredible.  Its kind of addicting.  

I got a promotion this week!  Yay!  I joked with a friend that I can now pursue the bohemian-esque lifestyle after 3:30 m-f, Saturday, and after 1 on Sunday.  XD  It was funny to me.   I feel really relieved.  Such a blessing.  

I have been more in the word as of lately.  and more in prayer.  :D  it really makes your day brighter.

Mortality

My faith was wavering..God shook me.  I was questioning the reality of everything.  God gave me a dream that really shook me awake.

Dream:

I was floating...but I do that alot in dreams.  This time i was floating over a pool.  And I could control it.

Then I was called into an office...there was a man dressed in a white suit.  He said he was God's right hand man.  I asked, "so you're Michael?"  he replied with, "No, I'm God's personal assistant."  (this is how you know its a dream...haha.)

He somehow shook me, through the dream, out of my disbelief, and also let me know I was going to die.

I then was in a hotel room...and the  glass window was from the ceiling to the floor, and from one wall to the other.  There were people running towards the window, and there was a storm outside, the sky was dark...I ran out of the hotel room...away form the people trying to break the window... and into a spiral dr. suess esque staircase, it was cream colored... there were two ways it seemed..to run down the stiars..or take the stiarcase that became a slide..i took the slide.. and it became a stiarcase..but i was able to continue sliding down...someone shouted to me that it wouldve been quicker if i had run instead of sliding.

We then all gathered outside, standing in the storm...there were alot of people...and we somehow knew we were going to die.  I closed my eyes and my body became warm and had this warm prickling sensation.  When I opened my eyes, everyone around me was gone, save for a single guy hiding behind a piece of wall.  As I turned back to look at him, dark skies around us and wind slightly blowing, he yelled back, "We're in the eye of the storm."

What I Want

I decided something.  Ok.  So I rushed into my last relationship too fast, and we both screwed up and got hurt.  In the end I lost my very best friend.  But you know what?  I will not allow fear of what happened before deter me from what I want from life.  I want nothing less than to marry my best friend.  I no longer hold the world's perception of love.  Romance is nice, but it isn't everything.  A man who stops your heart is nice.  A man who KNOWS your heart, is better.  This is what I want from love.  I will not allow the failure of my past to dictate my present and future.  I was young and human and I screwed up.  We both did.



written 9.19.11

Weak or Strong?

Is it weak to love someone with every fiber of your being from afar, knowing they chose someone else?  Is it pathetic to love them so much you hold them in high regard, and they end up being the drive behind your intent on living a full life, and you find yourself hoping they are happy?

Perhaps I was naive to think My ex was the one.  But I love him.  My heart races, my eyes dance.  This love is not one that is reciprocated, nor one that is meant to be talked of or shared with him, but in my heart.. I think I will always love him.

I have never been so happy.  You would think loving someone who has chosen another would lead to a sad life.  Quite the contrary.  I have a good job, and amazing people in my life.  I never even knew life could be like this.

My whole life, I idolized the idea of Jack Dawson.  Not because he was the person Rose spent the rest of her life with.  But because she would always love him, always hold a place for him in her heart, not because she was weak, or unable to move on, but because his presence in her life, saved her from the walls that had come crashing down on her.  Much in this regard, is how my ex saved me.

written SEVERAL months ago and just now posted (i never posted it for some reason..)

The Blessings in Life

I had a hard week this week.  A dear friend and my closest guy friend started dating.  Instead of being happy for them, I found myself in so much pain.  I took some time to myself.  Admittedly, I stopped eating healthy,as I stopped caring.  It was in this time of allowing my heart to heal as I cared for him so much, that I realized for the first time in my life, I was desperate for God.  I was on my knees.  I was crying out.

I'm done moping, so instead I am going to write down the blessings that happened this week.

This week, I got my hair done.  For the first time in over two years I allowed someone to change it up and cut several inches off in places to make layers.

I made an appointment to have strips of color put in my hair.  (were talking blue...as long as my boss says blue is ok.)

My coworker (the really awesome one that got me the job) sat down and wrote out on a page (front and back) step by step instructions on how to do my hair like hers (since naturally our hair is very similar)  Can I admit I almost cried?  I thought it was so sweet.  That someone would take that kind of time and effort to do something like that, was so sweet.  I felt super loved.

A random 1k dollar payment came through on a day I couldn't manage to get any payments in.

I went and talked with the worship pastor at my church about interning for them.  We sat down and talked, and I told her my passion for music, but that I have no direction and don't know what to do, or how to do it, and that I would really like to help out in any way possible, and just learn from them.  Learn how to do music in a godly, selfless way.  Learn everything there is to know about it.  From worship to record label, all of it.  I start tuesday after work.  I'm so stoked!!!!  It will be like going back to school, assuming school was able to teach you how to do worship in a godly way, and show you the ropes of it all.  I am really excited because I felt God put this on my heart, and I really feel this is the next step in my journey.




written two weeks ago and never posted.

Lately

I have not been very good about posting lately.  I almost desire to create a new blog as I have such a new perspective on things.  Hmm.  Or keep it the same and watch my growth.  Decisions.

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  Going to church on Mother's Day can be a lonely ordeal, especially when you take into account the idea that the entire service was dedicated to moms and the way they lead their families to church.

I started to become sad, as I didnt have this type of upbringing.  But then, I realized the grace, in my life.  This type of upbringing would've caused me to rebel.  Instead, my mom allowed me to decide what I wanted to do in life, who I wanted to be, and how and (if) I wanted to worship God.
I'm so grateful for her allowing me to make my own decisions in life.   In a weird way, this is what brought me to God, knowing it was my choice.  Earlier in life, i had to go to catholic school for my grandparents, and as a result..I ran away as fast as I could from anything church related.  I think its cool how everything works out exactly the way its supposed to, even if it doesn't happen the way people think it should.


Sometimes it IS difficult knowing my family doesn't share my faith... (aside from my dad...sort of..)
but then I realize...if youpout about what you don't have, you are too busy to appreciate what you do have.  I have a wonderful, supportive family, who let's me make my own decisions in life.  Don't get me wrong, its far from perfect...but aren't all families?

Happy Mother's Day, to an amazing mom who has always been there, and always let me be who I want to be.

lately...

btw. Can I say...its incredible to watch God work...when for two seconds..i shut my mouth..and i listen.

he pt it on my heart to go to cornerstone.  i had no idea why.  but i went.  the pastor greeted me..and we chatted..i asked how things had been.  and this woman i knew..and loved..and her daughter..ame up and talked to him.  and she was hurting.  and i went and fond my friends...and hugged her.  and i as i sat with them...he put it on my haert...to go to her..to sit with her...and i did..and after...we talked...and i prayed for her..and we went out to dinner..her daughter and a friend and i... and we sat...and talked... and she felt better after...and i realize that was the whole reason God called me there...was to be used by him to bless another..and it felt..amazing



btw.  im pretty sure i know whose been reporting me.  and if im right.  and its her.  shes been having relational issues.  so i prayed for her.  right there at my desk.  knowing this was likely the girl who reported me.  it doesnt matter.  i dont mind if most of the world hates me.  they hated christ first.

friday...i watched God do amazing work...saturday too.  those are both too long to type...its a story best left for another time.  haha.  er rather.  stories.

i talked to denise today about helping me build a diet thats right for me.  she said shes totally down to help me.  thats going to be a challenge.  a good challenge.

Today

Today I went to the hotel I stayed at with Ricky.  A wave of familiarity washed over me.  As I am physically unable to go to Texas, it is my... way of transporting to the once magical place where my ex and I shared two weeks of fun.

My inner voice spoke to me here.  It showed me that familiar isn't always good.  It showed me..as dead as my second ex and I are, that is how dead my last ex and I are.  I can accept that, and quit using it as an excuse to put life on hold...or I can stay miserable.

I stood and forgave myself.  Its hard.  Its hard to forgive yourself for dumb choices.

Its hard and yet, its in the past.

Today is a new day.  A beautiful day.  With a promising future.  Today...I am falling.  Hard.  I'm scared of slipping and falling off the edge, of past mistakes..and yet... I don't think I will this time.

He's everything they weren't but tried to be.  5 years my junior, yet wise beyond his years, and with a gentle and soft spoken soul.  I'm falling in love with my best friend.  I think I will let it happen.  I will trust God to guide me, and save me from my own stupidity, and trust him not to be like the others, since, he deserves that.  Should the day ever come...where he asks me out... I will say yes.  I will allow him to take my hand into his..and guide me..and love me.  I will love him back.

The One

*edit  actually...this is when i thought it was brian...no i didnt know.  oy vey...dose of humility to leave this up here and show u guys where my heart was at..  *facepalm*

Dear Future Husband,

    

 I know who you are.  Please don't take that to be a creepy thing.  God has shown you to me.  Honestly I don't know much about you.  We have friends in common, but these days I have asked them to make sure not to even speak of you in my presence.  I want to learn everything about you, from you.  Not Facebook, or friends, but from you, in His timing.  I wonder if you know its me yet.  I saw you and the moment I saw you, I knew.  The first time we ever met, my ex and i had just broken up, and I got on my knees and prayed and begged for God to show me that I'm not meant to be alone.  "Lord, I know I'm not ready to be with anyone, but just show me I'm not meant to be alone, please."  I sobbed and said this.  He answered and showed me you.

Again He showed me you, when I got it stuck in my head that God had said I would marry my ex.  

And again when I thought a dear friend was the one.

I don't know what the future brings, but after getting this amazing job, in a completely God-had-to-have-done-it way, I no longer am afraid.  Its you.  I know its you.  I will wait for you.

I had a guy hit on me the other night.  I had left my work party early and gone to my favorite bar for Sunday night karaoke and a few beers and familiar faces.  it was refreshing.  I ran into the old friend from h.s. that got me this amazing job I now have.  Later my friend was too drunk to drive, (he tried to bs me with he's done it before and I looked at him and went.. "I don't care if you've done it before...it doesn't mean you repeat that performance."  So we took him to Denny's to sober up.  It was me, Chris (said drunk friend) Patrick, and a new guy that none of us had met before.  We start talking child trafficking and politics, it gets late so I excuse myself and go to my car.  (at about 4 am..haha.)  The new guy (Tyler) walks me to my car and I hear this voice (satan) say "You know, you could have sex if you wanted to."  I didn't want to.  I thought of you.  I thought of how much it would hurt my husband.  The guy then asked if I wanted to continue our conversation back at my place.  I looked him in the eyes and told him "Look I'ma be real with you.  I don't believe in sex before marriage."  He looked at me funny and told me that he just wanted to continue the conversation, which I told him I would be happy to do via text or facebook.  When I got home, he started telling me how into me he was.  It was sweet at first, annoying after.  It didn't really affect me at all.  I told him, I knew who God had for me, and I would only ever date that person.  He asked, "How do you know that I'm not that person?"  When you know you know.  What can I say.

Turns out, the guy from that night, has a gf, and is possibly married.  He was a creeper.  And a test.  And satan trying to attack my faith in what God has shown me.  I love you darling.  I learned recently, something I almost did, and chose not to out of fatigue and disobedience to God, would have had us run into each other.  God is unchanging, and when the time is right.  It'll happen.  :D

(Can I go ahead and admit it would totally be awesome if we somehow saw each other for V-Day this year?  (perhaps by way of you getting the idea to ask me out from some random place in your head...or online persay..) Just throwing that out there, teehee. ( If you are meant to see that...you will.)