I Told Him I Love Him

I called my best guy friend today.  We had an amazing two hour conversation that ended up derailing me from actually cleaning my room.  I almost told him how I felt..but I held off.  Instead I left a voicemail professing my feelings.

Later that night, I call him back.  I ask if he had listened to his voicemail.  He was like, "no, do you have something you want me to erase on there?"

I had the chance to completely erase taht I had ever said it.  Instead, I told him, right there, how I felt.  That I was in love with him.  We talked for a long time.  I told him everything.  That I was honest earlier when I had said I wasn't ready to be with someone.  I told him that losing my best friend and ex, although it was hard, was worth it, because of the friendship he and I shared, and that I in no way wanted to screw that up. But that I had to be honest how I feel.  I told him, I was attracted to the fruit in his life, and his gentleness, and the way he was so well receiving through every time I cried about my second ex and I fighting, or my most recent ex and I breaking up, and fighting, and wanting to get back together, and him finally finding someone else and all the emotions I went through with that.

He proceeded to tell me no one had ever told him that, and that he loved me dearly as a friend, and that he wished he could give me more.  That he sadly didn't feel that way about anyone at the moment.  He told me I had nothing to worry about.  That we would stay very good friends, and that from the moment he had heard my voice, he could tell what kind've person I really was and that I was someone he could trust.


I told him how rare he was, and asked if he knew.  Then I joked that perhaps I was rare too.  He replied "Oh you are definitely rare.  I can honestly say I've never met anyone like you."  I was like.. "I hope in a good way."  He was like "Oh definitely.  I have never known a girl to be so honest and not in a brutal way, but in a sincere way."


I have to tell you, I don't know what tomorrow brings.  I know that today, I am in love with my best friend, and he knows.  I also know that he is a sweetheart, and that I am so lucky to have such a great friendship, and if that is all we ever share, I am the luckiest girl alive, because friends like him don't come along very often, if at all.  I also know I feel a serious peacefulness.  I don't feel broken because I didn't get my way.  I want him to be happy.  Whatever that means.  I really love him.  Not in a needy, give-me-what-I-want put-you-in-a-cage-and-call-you-mine-before-either-of-us-is-really-ready-for-that-kind've way, but in a, "I look at you, and I see fruit of the spirit, and everything I want in a man in my very daer friend.  And I want you to be happy more than I want to get what I want.  I love you and when I am talking to you or thinking abotu you, I just feel such peace, all over my entire body, and I smile when I stop and think about how scared I was to tell you because you recieved it so well, and being around you just feels right and if that isnt what you want, i understand.  I will never force myself on you, you know how i feel, and when i look at what you want from a girl and what i want form a boy i smile because everything weve ever wanted is right in front of us, but it isnt for me to tell you but for you to figure out", kindve way.

:)

How I Have Felt Lately...

I apologize for being so terrible about up keeping this blog.  >.<  My mind has been a tumultuous mess as of late.


Here's where I have been....

If you envision world war II for a moment, I basically pissed off the enemy, (advanced in my faith) then jumped out of the safety of the trenches (God's protection), and away from my fellow soldiers (wasn't in fellowship) set down my gun (wasn't in the word), took off my armor (wasn't spiritually armored) and THEN on TOP of that,walked into the enemies territory naked (chose to sin habitually.)  When you look at it from that perspective, its absolutely insane.

 I now recognize that, and havee been in the process of repentance, but I recognize, my heart still isn't right with God, because it still longs for other things MORE than God.

Daddy Will You Write My Love Story?

This song makes me excited.  At first it made me really sad when I thought back on what I lost.  Now I realize, every time before, I tried to write my OWN love story.  This time, I want the creator of the universe, the author of time itself, to write my love story.  I feel like  a lil kid holding a folder with blank pages against their chest, waiting for their turn for God to write them their very own love story.  I have seen what He has done with others, and with friends, I wish to have God write mine too.  *waits on the lord*  Daddy, I know I am impatient.  But I would be so honored, if you would give me the desire to wait on you to write my love story.  Will you daddy?  Please?


Love always,

Stephanie D. Jacobs

Worship

I really wanted to join the worship team at my church to be able to serve using the gift that God gave me.  God said not yet through the worship leader.  First He decided to teach me what worship really was.  I found myself at New Hope on Monday nights wanting to help out at the food pantry and gradually gravitated towards helping worship.  God is teaching me what worship is all about at the moment.  I am in a season of the unknown and a season of being taught.

Good Advice

A friend once gave me some sage advice.  He asked me, "Do you know who controls the relationship?"  I said, "the guy?"  He said, "No Stephanie.  It is the person who cares the least, even if by a little bit."

It is some insightful advice I have taken to heart.  It really brings to light the idea of being evenly yolked with someone.  You don't want to throw your heart away entirely on someone who only goes halfsies with their own heart, what's the point?  Not only will they care less for you then you do them (which trust me from experience, absolutely blows like a kid who has eaten way too much chicken noodle soup (with a soda on the side..sorry had to..) but they will also control the relationship...because you care more.  youll find yourself constantly willing to bend backwards over forwards for them, and notice they in turn do not do the same for you.  Being straight up, I have been on both ends of this situation.  In my first two relationships, I cared too much.  In the last one, I cared too much, but never acted like it or showed it thus making him feel that he cared too much as well.   So then we both sat there feeling unloved and like we kept caring and giving to someone who didnt care or give as much back.


Life is full of tough choices, isnt it? - ursula from the little mermaid.  truth is, it really is.  "the greatest thing youll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return."  - moulin rouge


food for thought.

Yaweh My Teacher

God has been really trying to teach me several things lately.  It has been very painful, but very wonderful as well.


Here are the things I need to work on, and that He has put on my heart to work on as of late.

1)  He has been teaching me how to rest in the spirit, and not to try to do things of my own strength, but through the spirit guiding me.

2)  He has been teaching me to focus on Him, and not the gifts He gives, (whether its gifts I've already received, gifts I want, or gifts that haven't been revealed if He will even give them yet.)  (when I say gifts by the way, I mean in every sense, I mean spiritual gifts, I mean talents, I mean physical gifts...(my parents, jobs, college, guys, a future...etc)

3) to focus on neither the past which He is in the process of healing me from, nor the future which has yet to happen but just be in the present.  ( I have a terrible habit of playing the "what-if" game, both in the past tense ...what if I had done this, or that...  and the future sense... what if this happens..or that...what should I do...)

4) Patience when speaking with others.

5) Humility.

6) Self confidence.

7) Abiding in the spirit.

8) Being in the word.

9) That there is a time for everything.  A time to go full out and a time for rest.

10) That if I screw up, He will forgive me, and don't let the fear of screwing up hinder my growth, but don't use that as an excuse to not care if I screw up.

11) To not rely on man's interpretation of what God means, or asking man what God wants to do, is doing, or is trying to say to me.

12) To learn to listen with my spirit.

13) To learn to love myself, flaws and all.

14) To love God, not for the gifts he has given, or the gifts He may give, but for who He is.

15) to find my identity in Christ.

16) to not allow myself to become emotionally attached to any man other than the man God brings to me, and that even then, to take it slow, and allow God to work things in His time.

17) to not try to do things in my time but His.

18) what truly worshipping Him looks like.

19) How to represent Christ to non believers, just by loving on them, regardless of how they treat me.

20) How to relay what is taught to me back to others.

Lately

I haven't written lately.  I have had a bunch of blogs I almost posted and then didn't.


I have been under tremendous spiritual oppression.  I am wide awake and can't sleep because my body has spent the evening in the middle of a major spiritual battlefield, and even with prayer, I still can't sleep.  My body aches as if there is internal bruising...my back and legs and left foot especially.

I really got to know a few of my new friends from new hope tonight.

They really taught me something.

Its crazy how much God is working in my life.

He has been teaching me to "rest in the spirit"  and what that really means, and how to do so physically and emotionally.  ( still working on being able to do so under serious spiritual oppression.)

i feel like God has been teaching me, to have faith.  someone posted proverbs 23:15-18 a little bit ago.  I memorized it this week, choosing to take my focus off of the things on my mind bugging me and onto God.  It felt amazing to do this.

someone told me one of my strong gifts is love.  the other will be faith.  i don't know what to think.

and gah.... more spiritual attack.  sigh.  can i be honest readers, and just say i do not like discernment.  it isn't fun.  blissful ignorance...how I miss thee.

how creepy is it when you got o itch something on your head, and can just fel your hand being guided by something that isn't of God, and isn't you either.  bleh... I know that may not make sense to a lot of people..to me..it just creeps me out.

why is it the night of an interview i find myself in a ridiculous spiritual battle...this is nuts.  sigh of all the nights to be in a spiritual battle.  i don't mind the spiritual battle part...but could we have moved it to absolutely anytime AFTER 1 pm tomorrow?  that is literally ALL i am asking people.


oy vey.


I want to change the world with love.  the more i get attacked the more i realize my potential to be able to do so.  literally this oppression is only serving to strengthen my determination and stubborn nature.  I shall go forth and succeed.

A Rap Song for Believers

I really love this song.  Thought I would share it.

Food for Thought

The bible says that faith at its strongest can move mountains.  It also says that love is even greater than faith.  Imagine the endless possibilities for love.  Perhaps if faith can move mountains, love can change the world.

I want to change the world.  Perhaps, this is not out of the realm of possibilities for me.  I have always been someone who sought after love, and wanted to love others.  Before I came to Christ, I was unable to fully understand the true depth and form of love.


4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  1 Corinthians 13: 4-7.

This sort of love would seem almost impossible, except it is actually quite plausible.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.  Against such things there is no law.  Galatians 5: 22-23.

True biblical love is possible for those whom the spirit of God dwells within.  It is time to take up our crosses, not to live impoverished lives or to cast out demons and do great works, but to do the greatest work of all, to love.  The bible lets us know that we cannot buy our way into heaven with acts, and while it also says acts are proof of fruit bore...it also lets us know that on judgement day those who prophesied and cast out demons will be crying out for the Lord, but He will say to them, "depart from me, I never knew thee."

We cannot get so focused on our acts that we forget to love and have faith.  Our acts can distract us from our true mission.  The first two commandments are to love God, and love thy neighbor.  It doesn't say tolerate your neighbor...or be courteous to his face, it says LOVE.  How many of us, can say we love all our neighbors in the true biblical sense?  If not, we are failing our mission here people.




 I have always called myself the "optimistic hopeless romantic"  well, I have decided to change my self-dubbed title to "optimistic HOPEFUL romantic."  Perhaps

Dear Future Husand

Hey!  I will pray that you are good today.  Today I realized I want to write a song...I don't know what about.  Also, I think I may make the main character of my book a writer, and add poems to the book that really explain how she's feeling, taken from my own experiences.  Might be kinda cool.  I have already decided to add the one I used to refer to as my current "magnum opus"  Hubby, sometimes life is so hard.

You ever find yourself trying to do the right thing, but sometimes the things you do with perfectly good intentions just end up so wrong?  I feel like that and it sucks.  I feel like, I am constantly banging my head against the wall screwing up.  Hubby, I hope you have patience, and an endless amount, cause I can be a serious handful.  I remember when my ex had nothing but patience for me, then things changed, and he was constantly being short with me.  Please don't be like that.  I get that I screw up and you have every right to be mad, but please don't overreact over every little thing or assume the worst in my character as if I'm personally attacking you and on purpose and out to get you.  It sucks when people do that.

I just pray that you are well today hubby.  I wonder if you pray for me too.  It was put on my heart "he prays for you."  I wonder if God meant you.  It made me cry.  In a good way.  That you are out there, somewhere, likely unaware of who I am, and I have an idea of who you might be, et when you pray for your wife, it affects me, because God knows who to send the prayer to.  Something about that is so comforting hubby.

Love always,
Stephanie

Mother's Day

In honor of Mother's Day, I wanted to say Happy Mother's Day to the woman who has been there to support me, love me and encourage me through every stage of life!  I love you so much mom, I dedicate this entry to you!!


I have fond memories of my childhood, Specifically when I was 8 years old, and you took me to Disneyland.  you had a bunch of rolls of lifesavers you kept in your purse and we went on all the rides.  We also went on splash mountain more than once.  We spent the night at the park and went to the queen mary the next day where you bought me a glass unicorn for my birthday.  =)


I will write more memories soon.  >^_^<


<3 Always,
Stephanie D. Jacobs

In the Eyes of the World..

I am a loser.  I lost my job, I have no idea where I'm going, I am 24 with no direction in my life, I don't have a degree, I haven't got a career figured out, I live at home, I am not the world's idea of beautiful, I lost the guy I loved more than anything to another girl.

If you look at life like that, it is VERY depressing.


But in Christ, I have been freed from the world's idea of what I need to be.  My tests are blessings, meant to  bring me closer to God.  God will always provide us with opportunities.  If we look at the world as we are alone, and this is it, then how we measure up is really significant.  It then becomes important to not only measure up, but to excel.  To go as far as this life can offer you, since its all you get.  But when you die to yourself, die to your sins, and become reborn in Christ...

you realize, this life...is fading, and dying away...and that's ok.  It is ok that the world is temporary.  It is ok that the world will fade away, and that one day we will die.  In Christ, we are freed from having to live for ourselves, we realize there is more.  We realize, if we let go, and just free fall, with no idea where we will end up, that God will take care of us, He will provide.  There is a level of comfort in knowing that.


I look at my job as a learning experience..and after I have truly grasped the lesson, God will provide another opportunity.  I look at my love life, like God knows my heart, in a way not even I fully understand it, and He has something better planned for me, whether I stay single or whether its someone He brings to me..either will fall into place as should.  I look at not knowing where I'm going as ok and good.  I will take it one day at a time..one moment at a time.  What am I doing this moment, this hour?  (to quote what a friend said yesterday.)  She said don't focus on the big picture..focus on what you are doing in this moment.  It was sage advice I will take to heart.  >^_^<

A Decision

I had always wanted to be the writer that DIDN"T write about sex.  Sex scenes are an easy way to communicate the romance and desire between two people.  I have always wanted to challenge myself, not use other methods, not so much because I was against sex scenes, but because it makes you really push yourself creatively to express that same intimacy in other more subtle ways.  

So now, as a new believer of Christianity, I've made the decision to make my main character a man (vampire) that desires to wait until marriage, because as he states, "Because I want you to know, that when we do that, I am yours, and yours alone. No other girl will ever be with me. Also you are worth waiting for darling. I want you to know that." I find such beauty in that. 

My whole life, I thought that sex=love.  I remember always being the one that initiated it, thinking, that's what love was.  i had it set in my mind, if a guy had sex with you, he loved you.  My first ex, used to force me to have sex with him, using everything from mental abuse to guilt trips.  My second ex, practically raped me the second time he came out to California, not listening when I asked if we could wait, and to please STOP.  (No complaints on the third ex.)  I had an unhealthy relationship with sex, as I viewed it as something that was required, and not something that wasn't.  

I can't undo the past. What I can do, is hold to my morals.  My flesh may desire sex, ALOT.  I personally, want to wait.  The feeling of being with someone, and then having them leave you, is incomparably horrible.  I don't blame anyone for that.  I'm not suggesting that once I've had sex with someone they should stay with me forever either.  What I am simply saying, is that I should guard my heart better.  I always played myself off as someone who wanted sex so badly, when all I really wanted was the deep emotional connection I had incorrectly assumed sex would bring.  

The simple solution?  No more sex until marriage.  It started out as something I said out of anger at my ex.  It became something I wanted to do for God but didn't particularly want to do.  It has become, something beautiful, that I long for myself to have.  I am worth waiting for.  I don't need to have sex with a guy to prove that to him or anyone else.  Screw what society says.  Screw what my hormones say.  Me, I'm taking a stand. No sex until marriage!

 I want a man willing to wait.  I want a man that looks at me and says "You're worth waiting for."  If I start to deter from this path led by my hormones, I want a man to act like Frederick does, letting me know that once we are married, he would gladly do that every night, but that for now, he wishes to wait, to give that to me.  I'm worth that damnit.  Frederick isn't just a random godly man.  I find he has become the fictional depiction of what I desire in my own future husband.  >^_^<

Change

I was thinking about this the other day.  A few years ago, I would quit taking my meds for days at a time, to really get inside my character's pain and feel and live their story.  All I wanted was to breathe life into the story and my characters.  Fast forward to today.  I think of all I have been through.  I no longer need to do anything like that.  Even though I am now healed, the scars of yesterday allow me to go to a place in my writing that I couldn't have before.  Going through everything was so hard.  But I look back on it, and I am so grateful.  I have become a woman.  A woman of God, who looks to faith for healing and answers.  I am what the Lord has made me.  I am a writer, because he made me this way.  Before I came to faith, I used to tell people, that my talent was God given, as I hadn't really trained.  To this day, I hold to that.  Everything I have, everything I can do, is a blessing from God.  It also allow me to be a testimony to the world of God's love.

Faith

I had someone tell me  "You know, for a young believer, you are a very powerful influence.  I think that's wonderful."  I had someone else tell me that I intimidated them with how right on I am, and someone I've known from high school tell me that they love my heart and it encourages them!  Its so encouraging to hear those things.  Perhaps, God's will, really will be for me to make a difference and in some way, change the world.

I sit...

And begin to ponder everything that has happened to me thus far.  Would I ever go back?  Could I ever go back?  I know that I wouldn't, so I don't much care if I could.

I dont find myself feeling reminscent as much as of late.  I'll catch myself walking into a theater, and missing a male hand with mine, then catching myself, and remembering, back then, I wouldn't have dared walked into a movie theatre on my own, even with a friend if they weren't a male companion.  

I catch myself walking into bars on my own, not to drink, just to sing and partake in the karaoke, and speak the gospel when I meet someone who would be receptive of it.  I don't remember the last time before coming to the Lord that I felt THIS comfortable in my own skin.  Sometimes I wonder if I ever did.  I realize that while friends are nice, and the Lord has recently put many new, amazing faces in my life, that even if they weren't there, I would be ok.  

I find myself struggling, going back and forth between a confident woman who knows who she is, and the shy, scared girl that always needed a man's hand to do something as simple as escort her into a theatre.  Part of me, is content, and happy to learn who she is, and find what she really wants.  Part of me, cries out for the lover lost long ago, that told me I was beautiful and their everything.  Everyday, is a new challenge.  Yesterday, I thanked the Lord, for even though it was a day of feeling low,  and a day of humility, that days like that, were what God uses to bring me closer to Him, and so I am grateful for even my bad days.

It's interesting to hear stories of how I was even just a few short months ago, and not be able to even recognize that person anymore.  It's the weirdest feeling in the world to know that there are 3 guys in this world, that think I am bat shit insane, and that, insanity is just part of who I am.  I remember when I was trying to show my most recent ex who I really was, time and time again I would fail to pull back the layers of pain.  I tried, but it was always a temporary at best fix.  

Now, I realize what I was trying to do, was not something I was ever meant to do.  Not something I could do.  It had to come from God.  I remember walking into my baptism, I knew, that God was going to take my ex/best friend from my life, and even knowing this, I was in so much pain, I willingly walked forth, and was like "I have nothing else to lose and my life is going nowhere.  I need a change!"  I wasn't sure what would happen, I so desperately wanted to believe the same way Lisa did, I wanted Him to change my life.  

After I became a christian, the first thing I did was hurt.  I hurt so ridiculously when God took my ex, and as a result, I let the pain do the talking for me.  I made decisions that I look back and go, wow..really?  I had texted my ex just to say "Hey."  His gf responded, with a rather snarky text.  Instead of blowing it off, or being the better person, I let my anger talk for me.  I was seething.  In that moment, all I could see was how little respect this guy had for someone he had once called a friend.  It hurt.  Really badly.  I didn't bother to quell my anger, instead replying something to the tune of, "Oh, you have a great night too.  Oh, and btw, tell him thanks for the great sex."  >.<  REALLY???  Who says that???

This girl had literally done NOTHING to me, yet I displayed anger towards her.  The truth of the matter was, I didn't bother to stop, walk away, and analyze the root of my anger.  It had absolutely nothing to do with her, and very little to do with him.  I was hurt, because someone who had once said they would always love me, and coaxed me into leaving my ex and to "choose the one who loved me" was now saying those things to someone else.  That wasn't her issue.  She was simply the recipient of the words I longed for, the affection that I craved.  

Instead of coming to the healthy realization of the root of my anger, I chose the unhealthy route of blaming myself and looking at myself as not being good enough, or worthy of his affection.  The moments when I would build myself up into an angry frenzy, I convinced myself he was a dog..that he had used me. Neither of these was the case.  

First off, I was beautiful and curvy, but couldn't see it.  I saw only flaws in my reflection.  Slowly, without me even realizing, God was changing my heart, and as it got soft, and as the barrier was broken, I could see myself.  Not as my ex "might" see me, and not as other people see me.  I saw me.  I saw that while I'm not perfect, I am beautiful, and I feel blessed for the body the Lord gave me.  It came equipped with not 1, but 2 talents, and it also came with a really large, forgiving heart.  

Second off, he didn't use me, since we both screwed up.  I acted clingy, and held onto him so tightly, afraid to even let him go out with the guys for an evening of beer and chatting, or out with his old friends for a night of movies and poker, or even with his family, because I had the ridiculous irrational fear that I was not good enough, and people didn't like me and would convince him of their view point.  I never gave him credit for all the times he stood up for me, or how after we broke up because we were going down a dangerous route that we might not have been able to come back from, that he stuck by me.  That he continued to stand up for me against his family, and friends...even when every moment we spent together, only served to bring him further down, only served to further push him away, and bring him closer to the brink of losing it.  He had his own issues, and yes he was hard to be around, which served to push me closer to losing it...and me being that much closer to losing it, made him worse.  It was a vicious never-ending cycle of pain.  As much as we cared for each other, walking away was the only way either of us could ever heal, yet neither of us was willing to say it.  

I don't think I have ever cared for anyone as much as I cared for him, so walking away was difficult.  I find myself praying for God to change the desire of my heart, that if we aren't meant to be, that's ok, just please grant me peace, and change the desire of my heart to fit His plan.

As I continue to grow in the Lord, I realize that this life, isn't about just me and my desires.  I look around me and realize the people the Lord is bringing into my life, I look in my own home and realize I am likely going to have to be the one to show my mom the love of Christ, by witnessing the gospel to her, and by loving on her and showing her the change within myself.  It helps me really to put things in perspective.  I look at it like, if my ex was in my life still, and we managed to work through everything, what then?  He made it clear that Texas was his home, and while there was a time in my life I would have gladly followed him blindly anywhere, that time has come and gone.  God has me here, in California, and He led me to a job here, so I get the feeling He wants me to be here for a while.  I don't know where my life will lead, but I do know that I can no longer live for just myself.  I proclaimed to the skies I wanted to change the world, I wanted to have my faith pushed as far as it could go..with that comes great responsibility.  I can't turn my back on my calling.  I don't even know if I will live the life of a normal person..when I desire nothing a normal life offers.  Perhaps, I wasn't born wrong.  Perhaps, my lack of desire fora child of my own, will desrve to help me focus further on the Lord, and His will for my life.  I don't want to spend my life just living for myself.  I want to spend my life, changing the world, and saving the eternal souls of those around me.  There are times I wonder if this means I will stay single, or if the Lord will bring me a husband.  I also wonder if I have already met them, if perhaps it will be one of my exes with a changed heart, and a newfound faith years down the road.  However, I keep having to remind myself that this isn't for me to worry about.  my focus needs to be elsewhere.  My path is not my own, my desires of the flesh must be hushed and quelled.

I pray for strength, and compassion, I pray to grow more in the Lord.  I am grateful for my high days and my low days, the high days which are gifts not to be taken for granted and days of growing in the Lord and in my faith, and the low days, are my teachers, they humble me and brings me closer to the Lord.

It has been 15 days since my last post.  I have alot to talk about.

A couple days ago I caught myself in the fetal position crying like a baby at the idea that I truly have no one that I'm close to.  I have made myself out to be the person that knows everyone a little bit, and they all know me completely, but I lack that person you can turn to regardless of what time it is, regardless of what it's about.  I found myself so down about this.  I kept thinking to myself, "Everytime I get a best friend, I lose them.  Why even try?"  I finally picked myself back up, when I realized, God has placed people in my life with the potential to become that person in time.  But first I have to quit crying, stand up tall, and embrace the way my life is and realize that through everything God will sustain me.

I long for that embrace from a lover, though I have learned so much about marriage, enough in fact, to tell you I am not ready, and in fact, rejoice in being single.  Single is a gift ladies and gentlemen.

Even last night, I found out the reason that I'm so pro choice, (versus pro life), isn't because I believe in abortion, so much as I believe in a woman's right to choose.  You think about woman that have been raped, and what is rape really?  It is having your body defiled,having your rights stripped away, and having someone use you, after you've asked them not to, to stop.  Rape is taking away the women's right to say no.  And as I have been through this myself, I think about how awful on top of that it would be to take away a woman's voice again, with HER body.  Someone argued "you'll have blood on your hands voting pro choice"  my arguement is this.  Isn't it better that she CHOOSES with a willing heart, to have the child?  Doesn't she deserve that voice?  Yes people abuse the system.  But that doesn't mean that you should strip a woman of her voice, because in so doing, in forcing your views down her throat, you aren't giving her the chance to make that what she wants, but what she WILL do.  I don't think that's right.  (Please understand, I'm not pro abortion, I'm not pro killing babies, and I'm not for people going to get one as often as they get a botox injection...ladies, its called, abstinence, contraseptives, and the 72 hr pill.. choose one please.)  What I AM is pro choice, that moment, in which a choice is made, being in the hands of the woman.  (Sorry, I'm very opinionated on this matter, and I realize that it DOES stem from experiencing rape.)  Btw, I am NOT less of a christian for voicing my opinion.  I don't care what anyone says.  I don't see the world the way everyone wants me to.  I never will.  I am NOT your typical christian.  I have a heart for people in sticky situations, in a way that some people try but can't as they haven't experienced it for themselves.

Ok, new topic...shall we?

Marriage.  I view marriage so much differently now.  The idea of marriage terrifies me.  As a christian woman, I am called to submit myself to my husband.  To allow him to lead me.  I am so afraid of being with someone who before we get married say "Oh you aren't sure about kids?  That's ok."  And then once we're married, looks at me and goes, "I'm the head of the household, and I changed my mind."  Perhaps this is why I am truly enjoying single hood.  I realize, that even though God has healed me to the point of not breaking down (over what my exes did to me...I still break down occasionally when things overwhelm me on other matters) that, I am in many ways..affected by my experiences.  I am TERRIFIED of commitment, I don't like the idea of being a mother, I don't want to settle down and buy a home.  When I explained this to someone, their response was, "Well, you can still be a writer and a stay at home mom I would think."  Uh, I don't think you heard me.  >.<  That christian bubble of were called to procreate, which means if you aren't doing that you are less of a christian.  But how can you say that and judge me, when you don't even know me?  I walk with the Lord.  I have faith.  If God told me to jump off a bridge, I would do it...even with the unknown of what was waiting for me.  In a marriage, I would need a strong man that loved me.  He could look at me and not see someone who is damaged from other experiences, but see someone who has a differing opinion and walks with God.  I wish to go all the way with my faith.  I want someone strong in faith that can lead me closer to God.  Someone who understands, I am not a perfect person, I screw up, I have faults, and sometimes I fall flat on my face from the bad decisions I make.  I hope to never act holier than thou (and if i do please call me out) because I'm not.  I screw up.  ALOT.


On another note.  I started writing my new book.  Not like the times before where I say it but don't do it and feel unmotivated.  This particular book is geared towards non believers and believers alike.  I started writing in March and will hopefully be done in a few months.  Going to try to be published this year or next.  >^_^<  Wish me luck!  Hehe.  =)

A Choice

I have made a choice with what I want to do with my life.  Though I have no idea God will use my gifts that he has given me to complete this...I want to change the world.  Not by my own accord, but God, working through me...using the heart he gave me to love on people.  I want to change the world, not with fists or war, but with love and faith.

A friend told me, you become as strong in your faith, however quickly you're willing to go.  I want to go ALL the way.  I want to be pushed as far as my body and soul and mind are capable of.  I want to devote my being to God, to his Will, and to his mission.

I always was devoted in my relationships, but I realize, that devotion, belonged to no man, but to my Lord and savior.  To my father.  I want to spend my life on his mission.

Spiritual Battle

There was a huge spiritual battle tonight in my room.  My body feels bruised and sore...almost like fibromyalgia, which makes me wonder if I ever really had fibromyalgia.  A friend tipped me off...worship music...is good.

My life is not my own.  I will not live for the things of this earth.  I will live by my Father's Will!  I will fight back when called to, with love and faith.

Hello Sunshine!

Today was a day of edifciation for me.  I went to bible study, and it was just me and Tiana and Cathie.  There was definitely some spiritual interference and no matter how much I tried to hear what they were preaching, something wasn't allowing me to.  Finally i told them what was on my heart, and they agreed I should just come clean to my parents about not having a job.  Then I prayed that God help me find a new job.

God called me two places today.  He called me to an unopened restaurant, (which didn't have any applications but told me to come back Friday at 10:30 to get all set up.  (YAY)  He also called me to the Reagan library.  At first I looked around waiting for the person he wanted me to meet, thinking I was finally going to meet the person who would disciple me. Not so.  God just wanted me to take a minute to enjoy this beautiful day, on a shady bench, in His word.  I did so, and it made me feel good.  The wind was blowing heavy, but I knew, even in my skirt, that God will protect me from all things, including my skirt flying up.

God is so good.  Every day is a gift.  A gift from our father to us.  The warmth of the sun, the cool breeze, the ability to have fellowship with my christian brothers and sisters.  I am so truly blessed.

When I got home, I told my mom I hadn't had a job in a while.  She and my dad received this really well, and I knew God talked through them, and made it so that it was ok to shed light where darkness had reigned.

Did That Just Happen?

The night before last I went to sleep at about 3 a.m.  The funny thing about 3 a.m., its usually dark outside.  I asked God if I would ever be able to see the angel Michael, as I had asked for God to send him to protect me earlier that night, (and realized I should've asked after using the facilities, as it was I was like God, I know you're omnipresent, can you have Michael avert his eyes?")  I noticed there was a golden light outside my window, and it flooded through the blinds, and there was a shadowy silhouette.  I feel like if I had wanted to, I could've seen Michael, I was a little too nervous (not scared) to look.  When I woke an hour later, it was still there.

Last Night

My mom fell down a flight of 10 stairs.  It was really scary.  I heard a voice keep saying hospital, in the fashion God normally does.  I panicked and tried to get her to go.

She didn't want to and I freaked out, but said God, you got this.  (continuing to be sad and wonder what would happen  >.<)

She was fine.  She might have muscle damage..but nothing broke.  No head injuries.  God was trying to wake her up.  A fall that bad, and she's ok...this defies physics..  I gently planted the idea of "Maybe someone was looking out for you."

I see how satan can use people with closed hearts though, because my dad came in with the laundry and tried to undo my seed, saying no its possible yada yada.  >.<   You have to not be angry, just patient.

I waited til he left (go downstairs you..)  then i told her what I'm going through.  She believed me.  She believes I saw an angel's shadow.  She believes I can sense demons.

If she really believes me, then deep down, I think she knows there really might be a God.

Yesterday

Strange things are beginning to happen to me.

I felt like God wanted me to drive over to this one place and park.  So I did.  I parked, and fell asleep.  He woke me up with a bee.  I jumped out of my car and I saw the shadow of what I think was an angel.  After a little bit, I felt like God wanted me to read the bible so I got back in the car, I looked up at the sky and was like, "Ok, but the bee is gone right?  Dad, the bee?  It's gone right?"  LOL  I hate bees.

Last night I was awakened, by a voice.  And I heard a child's voice in the darkness.  I don't know if it was a good or evil voice.  I was trying to figure that out.  O.O

I think it's becoming very evident discernment is also a spiritual gift of mine.

Ok..

I'm writing this here, so one day, I can tell my family, and my husband.

I know who I'm going to marry.  I don't want to say the name in case they read this because I honestly don't think they have any clue yet.  Instead I'll say this.

About a month ago, I was really down, and I asked God to show me who I was gonna be with, because I was so sad over losing my ex.  I was like "Please God please, just show me who he is.  You don't have to give him to me yet.  Just show me who he is.  Just so I know I'm not alone."

Well, immediately after this, like either that night or the next (I forget if I asked Thursday or Friday right before Collide), I met him on a Friday night.  I knew it was him when I met him.  I stared up at the sky going, God was that him?? Was it???  He wasn't in town very often and had come by just to say hey to his old friends.  I saw him this one time, we didn't even talk very much.

A month passes.  I finally feel like I've healed (though not completely) from my ex.  I hear in my head "He will become your husband."  and I ask "Who?"  and am answered "Scott."  I excitedly thought this was God.  Uh, no.  Let it be known early on in my walk to faith, on my path, my own mind tried to fool me.  God set me straight.  I was sitting with two girls I think I will become very good friends with, both very beautiful women of faith, and telling them about what I heard and unsure of what it was, and then I was like "Nvm, I got my answer, I think it was God and if it wasn't well I guess I'll find out."  (I was so convinced I was going to marry my ex at this point and that God ordained this.)

Just then, the same guy, from a month ago that I met after asking God the first time, walks into the restaurant we're conversing in just to come say "hey" with a mutual friend of all of ours.  O.O

I asked a friend the next night who is stronger in faith and can hear God in a way I cannot yet to ask God about it, since he could hear the answer I couldn't.   My friend responded, "He says you know what it meant."  O.O

The world and the way I see it is changing.  I see the world in such a different way, and I have learned a lot about who I am to become, let it be known, I found out some of my gifts.

I am a clairvoyant.  O.O   I had my first real vision, apparently before I even came to faith.  I was with my ex.  I don't know if I had one before that, though occasionally I get a sense of deja vu.  It's really weird.  O.O
(Speaking of that vision, Scott, I get this feeling you should spend this weekend with your grandpa.  I'm not going to text you or email, cause I'm not entirely sure if I'm right, I don't want to ruin your weekend for no reason.  I trust if I'm right, God will give you the desire to read this.)
*Edit this weird feeling was for me not you Scott.  My mom ended up falling down the staircase.

Of the spiritual gifts, I think gifting is going to be one of my gifts, I have this huge desire if I come to money (which writers usually do) to give away more than I keep.  I think Mercy is my other spiritual gift.  I think faith will become one of my gifts as well. (Faith IS one of the 19 spiritual gifts of the holy ghost btw...)

I think I am going to take this all in stride.  I have found out, that once I learn to get my head out of this world, I will become stronger in faith, and once my faith is strong enough, I will be able to listen with my spirit (not my ears) for God.  Once I can do this, I will be told all of who I am and shown things.  Right then.  By following the words in my bible, and following my heart, I think perhaps, even someone like me, could change the world!

A Message to All

Hey guys.  I wanted to share with you all something.  Learn to listen for God not with your ears, but your spirit.  (I myself have no idea what this means, but a friend told me to be more in the word...so I actually want to read the bible now.)  Also, learn to humble yourselves before him, kneel when you pray.  These are the things I need to work on, and that God wanted me to do, so I thought I would share with all my readers.  ^_^

A Testimony

I felt the need to post this.  I felt myself getting sick, so I prayed.  I heard a voice tell me to drink 6 bottles of water.  I did.  Admittedly with a bit of reluctance, but the way I looked at it, either it wasn't God, and I spent the night going pee alot, or it was, and I avoided being sick for a few weeks.  With distrust in my heart, I began this impossible mission, falling asleep for an hour or two, waking up and finishing.

Well ladies and gents.  I'm not sick.  O.O  So I guess it WAS God that told me to drink all that water.  CRAZY!

Strength

One of the biggest struggles I think that I have had, is surrendering my heart, not letting it harden.  Something that I have always done to protect myself, is to put up a barrier, to keep people at bay, and then when they try to get close to me, and I feel like I could potentially be hurt, I push them away, by hurting them..breaking my own heart inside, and coming across as a monster, all because I've been so afraid to embrace the idea that I might be worth someone genuinely wanting to stick around for.

My friend Michael and I were talking the other night, and he told me, that it is easy to hate, hatred is primal.  Its harder to love.  Especially after someone has wronged you.  He told me, love is strength.  Under all the layers of hurt and beneath my barrier, is someone who loves, unconditionally, though I try so hard not to let it show, and I'm not entirely sure why.  I want to give that love away, I want it to show.  I am trying my hardest to make myself vulnerable, to show everyone and maybe even myself who I am.

My greatest weakness is my greatest strength.  My heart.  

Inspirational Song

I wanted to share this song with all of you.  Its a song that..even if you're down or struggling, makes you feel alright, because its a reminder, God loves when we come to Him when we're weak and broken.

Struggles

Lately I have been struggling.  Last week I got hit with a bad cold and to keep everyone from getting sick I stayed home.  (Yay for not getting anyone else sick, sadly I found myself not surrounded by other believers..to go an entire week without that is difficult I think (at least as a new believer.)  Today I hungout with a friend who helped me get back on track.  She read some of the word to me.  She showed me a few passages that were centered towards the idea that we are indeed chosen.

Sometimes I feel like things just so perfectly happen for a reason.  I usually get together with another friend once a week, but this particular week wasn't good for them..and randomly I get a call to come workout last minute, after which we went and read and discussed some passages (including Romans 10.)

I feel like, even when I try to hide God pulls me towards him (sometimes forcefully.)  I was on facebook this morning (which is why she decided to call me...)  God took my (verging on unhealthy addiction shall we say?)  and used it to bring me closer to Him.

Its crazy to me how even when I think I'm alone, God shows me I'm not.  I constantly struggle in my faith, and I always joke with people how God is going to have a difficult time changing my heart, bringing my confidence back up without allowing me to dance on the verge of pride, (due to the fact that I have a bad tendency to become very prideful when left unchecked.)

I find myself still struggling to understand things that I wasn't meant to understand.  Like, will certain people that have come and gone from my life be saved?  This is not for me to worry about, yet I find myself constantly wondering, and even getting sad about it.  I have a really hard time with accepting, that some are chosen some are not, because, even though like it said in the bible verses we read today, about us being made from clay essentially and God can discard any clay he doesn't like, you can't help but not want the clay to be discarded.  Especially if you knew the clay.  I find myself struggling in my faith, because I wonder if I have what it takes to obediently watch eternal souls be discarded.  Not just souls I know either (though the ones I know are the hardest struggle for me.)

I feel, like while I can't change people's hearts, and maybe I don't really understand what being a christian is all about, maybe, I can show them compassion, and change in my own heart.  Perhaps, by showing others the compassion and understanding, and loving them as unjudgingly as possible I can help bring them closer to God... since the only reason I am where I am, is because of God.

My Anthem

Hey to all the guys in this world, and to all my readers too, this is my (new) anthem.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUnYIQjCnNA

Irony

Isn't it ironic I spent my whole life searching for unconditional love, and the entire time, I had it, but couldn't see it?  Even when I didn't reach to God, in my darkest hour, he was there, watching me.  I have always prided myself on being strong and able to do it on my own.  The truth is, I think God made me that way.  Strong enough that I would survive.  I am a survivor because of God's unconditional love.  One of the gifts he gave to me, I honestly believe, was my strength.

 For those that don't know.  My darkest hour..was either when I was dating my first ex, when he would mentally break me... or 2009 in the fall/winter.  In the fall/winter of 2009,  I was dating someone that only served to bring me down further, while healing from all the mental damage my first ex caused.  I was in agony.  I couldn't catch a break.  I didn't sleep, and when I did I had nightmares so vivid and awful I opted to not sleep when possible.  My body ached from lack of sleep, I was hysterical and hurting.  I had depression, and all the while through everything, I loved my second ex the best way I could.  I know I wasn't the perfect gf, (who would be in that situation?) but I tried.

Posting that wasn't easy to type, but like I said, I want to make myself vulnerable.  I want to be completely out in the open.

Perfect Song

This song is simply amazing!  Amy Grant- Overnight.   I feel like this is my song for where I am in my faith.

Difficulties

Admittedly even my healed heart wonders what could have been from time to time.  Its crazy.  God is clearing out my life of everything that was holding me back.  I could neither move backward nor forward with my previous bf.  We sat there making each other miserable.  But now he has moved on, as have I.  I think its more the idea of, well NOW I know not to make the mistakes I did, and NOW I can see clearly but why did it have to take the breaking of a relationship for me to see it?

I admittedly have alot of inner conflict..and even though I have peace and I have God...I still have some uncertainty...moments still pop up where I wonder if I will get the chance to show my heart to someone.  Even though I have faith in my father and are a self-proclaimed hopelessly romantic optimist...I still have lingering doubts..planted there from my past and inability to trust in anything completely.

 I will get there, with time.  But for anyone who reads this, I want to be honest about my path.  I struggle.  I have difficulties.  I don't always smile..sometimes I cry.  Losing someone I loved, though its the path God chose, was incredibly painful.  It felt like someone ripped it out of my hands.  It literally felt like my dad came in my room and tore my posters down, and wants to remodel..and at first I was stubborn about letting go of my posters, but in the end I know the room is going to be beautiful.  (The room being my life.)  I want you all to see my vulnerable weak spots..and know that you aren't alone if you feel weak.  I do too.  They talk about in bible study how we should show be completely honest with each other.  Well here I am;  my heart on my sleeves (and my foot in my mouth ALOT of the time..mmm sneaker flavored..)

Learning to Trust

So I have come to the conclusion that God would not have given me the heart that I have if I were to remain single.  He has a plan for my heart.  Though life may have chipped away at my trust, slowly but surely I need to trust in God,  (btw totally a.d.d'tastic off topic moment...ever notice the irony in it saying "in God we trust" on money..since often times, its in the money people trust..not God??)   ..ok so anyways...I need to trust that God has a greater purpose for my heart.  Though it stings...I will look with courage and my own personal brand of hopelessly romantic optimism to the future.  As I take this journey one day at a time, I know with trust, and patience, and knowing that there lies a greater purpose for me, I may come to find what I'm looking for.  (Once I cease looking for it and just live my life that is.)

Awww~

I decided to get out for a second last night.  As I was walking out the door, I told my dad, "I love you dad, back in a few."  He then said something that made me cry.  "We love you too.  We just want what's best for you."  I think I have always taken how good I have it for granted.  I have never gone a day without wondering what I would eat, where I would sleep, any of that.  I have been more than taken care of.  So this entry is a thank you to my parents, for always having my back and being there to catch me no matter how many times I seem to fall.

I remember when I was in high school, the hardest thing I have ever done to date, is when I had to look my mom in the eyes and tell her I was a cutter.  She was relieved for a second that it wasn't drugs, but she saw the radical change in both my mood and behavior, leading to the conclusion I was on something.  In truth I had been suffering from depression, and unable to tell her, unsure of what I was feeling, and afraid of what they would say or how they would take it.  They got me help, and never gave up on me.

I made some bad choices with school, choosing to quit going for a guy.  My parents who had always been so gung-ho about school were accepting and said "School isn't for everyone.  Do what's right for you."  Even when I couldn't see it or understand it, all they wanted for me, was to make the choice in life that would make me happiest in the end, and if it wasn't what they wanted for me (a bachelor's degree and a steady job with good retirement) then they were still ready and willing to support me and back me.

When I looked at my mom and told her, "Mom, I want to write a book."  She didn't look at me like I was crazy or dumb or coming up with a ridiculous idea that was hard to get into.  Instead,  She looked right back at me and went, "Then do it.  Let's see it."  She has always told me I have the talent to do whatever I want.  I'm very lucky in this regard.

My parents have always wanted me to do what's best for me, whatever that is.  I remember telling my mom I fell in love with a guy online that lived in TEXAS and that I was going to fly there to go see him. With a bit of reluctance and hesitation she supported me.  Admittedly she thought it was crazy to fly to a state I had never been in, away from everything I knew to see a boy.  It was.  And you know what?  She trusted my judgement enough to wish me luck and drive me to the airport.  (Feeling ALOT better about it after I called her and told her that I was ok.)

When that said boy broke my heart, my parents were very nice about it.  They understood how much I loved him, and didn't give me a hard time about it just because of it was a 'long-distance relationship'.

So, thank you, to both my mom and dad, for loving me and backing me and giving me a home and a place to belong.  No matter how much I felt like I had no place in this world, because of you, I always have.  Thank you.

An Uplifting Song

A New Day

As I sit here, wanting to completely let go of the past, I realize that I cannot truly embrace the future and the here and now until I am able to do this.  So here, on my blog, in front of everyone, I am going to both admit my flaws, and forgive myself for them.

I tend to get attached very easily.  i.e. I will very quickly feel out if someone is a potential "the one" and say so.  I also tend to be unsatisfied with their inability to know as quickly as I do how they feel.

I tend to be very clingy.  i.e.  I am very bad at just letting someone go off and do their thing, for fear they'll realize they're happier when I am not around, and in the process of doing this, actually will into being my greatest fear.

I tend to be very emotional when I am going through something.  And I tend to bring people down around me, usually the guy I am dating.

I tend to push people away.  I am so scared to get hurt, the idea of someone wanting to love me for who I am without trying to get anything from me is terrifying, mostly because this doesn't seem real.

I tend to not be able to trust people.. mostly because I have been screwed over so badly.  I want to trust people, in my heart I am the most trusting person ever.  But time and life have taught me not to be.

I tend to beat myself up and take full blame when situations go wrong.  I am so used to being looked at as a scapegoat, I don't know how to accept that I am only 50% to blame most of the time, instead beating myself up and crying and hurting over the dumbest things I do wrong.

I am bad with letting go.  I sit there dwelling on what could've been.  I should be looking at the here and now and what could be.  But for some reason I don't.  I want so badly to just be happy.

I tend to act manipulative to make the situation go in my favor, to the point that I would cry and be sad and even in some cases threaten to hurt myself.  This is definitely something that needs to change immediately.  This is one of my biggest problems.

I forgive myself for all of these things.  I am not perfect.  I make mistakes.  If I do not admit who I was, it will continue to stay there and I will continue to be that person, instead of changing and healing.

Now, I think I will leave this on a positive note by noting my good qualities.

I am very strong.  I am a survivor who has been through some stuff, and made some awful decisions in my life.  Yet, here I stand.  Life didn't tear me down.  With God on my side, I am even stronger than I was before.

I am beautiful.  This one was hard to type.  I sit there listening to what people "deem" as beautiful.  For so long, I hid away from the world, afraid to be seen, regardless of what anyone says, I am a beautiful woman.  Perhaps not perfect, but who is?  I am beautiful, inside and out.

I have a heart of gold.  I love with everything inside of me.  Perhaps it can't be seen through the fog when I am at my worst.  But this doesn't change that I do love with everything inside of me. I believe in the ability to overcome tremendous obstacles, mostly because I am a hopeless romantic.

I am ridiculously optimistic.  I refuse to see things as impossible...

I care so much about everyone around me.  I would be there for anyone who needed me, even if we just met.

I am tremendously loyal.  People joke that I would be the perfect military wife, because of my loyalty.  Lol.  It is true though.  Not seeing someone for awhile sucks, it hurts because you want them there, but then you remember, even if you can't hold them, they're there.  There is someone in this world, who loves you.  Sometimes so much they upend their life to make a girl 1500 miles away happy.  This is why I didn't just go find someone else when things were uncertain in my last relationship.

Self Love

Ok, so since I have decided to start loving myself, I figure instead of writing love poems about other people (since there wont be any for awhile) or writing about how my experiences in love, I would write about my own journey to self love.

I think the first step is to look at how God loves.  God looks at us with loving eyes, and he doesn't judge us (until we die.)  He loves everyone the same. Look at how he showed us how to love our enemies, by letting Judas close when he was on earth.  God sacrificed his son, so that we might be saved.  Jesus willingly died, for us.  He laid his life down.

Last night I went to a bible study.  I looked at one of the guys there and I said, "Can we be real for a second?  In love, you lose the fuzzy 'feeling' right?  I always thought love went beyond the initial feelings of lust and attraction that make your heart pound hard."

He very kindly looked back at me and replied, "I'm going to be honest.  Yes, you lose those.  Love is more about commitment to one another and sticking it out.  Marriage is NOT easy."  He then told me that when he first got married, he thought he had married the worst person ever, since everyone portrays love and marriage as happy dappy funland.  Then as he was around more married people he realized, "O, its all of them, its everyone.  Okay, she's not so bad afterall."

I think as media portrays love being this sweet, happy thing that we forget that love is about sticking it out.  Love is when the person is at their worst, you stick by them, and you don't judge them.  But before you can look at someone else un-judging you have to look at yourself this way.

Which leads back to the topic at hand. (Sorry for getting so off topic but I had a point.)  Self-love.  To look at someone who has wronged you with loving eyes is hard.  Looking at someone this way if you have never done this for yourself, nearly impossible.  I think the first step is going to be not judging myself when I make mistakes.  We say, don't judge others, that's God's job.  But what gives us the right to judge ourselves?  The fact is, that isn't our job either.  We judge ourselves for the smallest things.
While it is important not to be prideful or arrogant, we also shouldn't constantly tear ourselves down with unnecessary hatred and anger.  Be angry when necessary, but then let go.

wow

So many changes.  I'm not sure where to start.  I found God.  Through all the pain, he saved me...when i was my weakest, through my father, I was my strongest.  While I lost what I thought was most important, I gained so much more in return.  I gained a connection with God, and a bunch of new friends who help me.   (As well as some amazing old friends)  I have decided 2011 is going to be a year of self love.  I am going to learn to love myself.  I found a song that really describes this.  I was hurting so bad when it came on the radio..I feel like God was talking to me through this song.

Pink- Fuckin' Perfect  ( To my christian brothers and sisters, youtube offers a radio edited version...which is actually the one I heard.)

I am going to learn to forgive myself the way I would forgive a lover.  To learn to accept my flaws and just love me.  Because before I can love someone else, first I need to love me.  (To my WoW fans) I am currently "unfriendly" with my own faction.  And i wish to be exalted, so time to grind some rep.  ^_^